A Billion Odd Thoughts

In between even thoughts, I have odd thoughts, I write them down… this is them.

Enjoy them, use them to pitch woo, score free drinks or for a few great laughs, but PLEASE don’t be a dick and claim them as your own, have your own thoughts.

Unexplored ideas will always seem like good ideas
Concepts are like poison, you need to get them out as quick as possible
Supposedly you can have so many books that you have to move
Favorites never disappoint, especially when they come with fries
Small gestures equals big feelings
This beer must be healthy it comes with fruit!
Opportunities come when you’re being the best version of you
Randomly generated is the new curated
Someday creativity flows like wine, other days it flows like gravel
I don’t need a straw, I have Twizzlers
Cats know, but they aren’t telling
Body language is universal
The internet isn’t reality, stop stressing over what other people are supposedly doing, and start doing yourself
Seize, Savor, Devour
The secret to finding quality contractors / freelancers: Find people who value their reputation more than they value your money
Surround yourself with people who make you happy, hopefully you make them happy too
Not everyone has an angle, some people are actually nice
Cats are the gatekeepers of warmth
If dying required paperwork to be completed, I’m confident I’ll live forever.
Not all weatherproof boots are waterproof
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t whine about it, nobody cares
You show your love for me in the most mundane ways, and I appreciate every one of them
Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, suffering in silence is
Friends are happy to hear from you at three in the morning
Not all guys in bands are sensitive
Rice cakes are a POOR substitute for rye toast
Much like rust, entrepreneurs never sleep
Bakers are sexy, and kneedy
Not everything is as real as it seems
Both mirrors and scales lie on a regular basis
Platonic is this years symbiotic
Communication unlocks all but the most locked relationships
Sometimes that last drink is on the house
I want to chase all the angst away and leave you with nothing but happy and quirky
Pocket change can change the world
My boots aren’t made for everything
Not all roller coasters are fun
At the point when everything is simply a symptom accountability is irrelevant
The best part of me has always been you
If you spend a lifetime pushing people away, it’s those people who just won’t budge that you need to pull closer
Laughter is the best Lithium
Cheap wine with good friends is better than champagne with strangers
Life is about the encore, go hard, finish strong, take a bow, curtain
Making plans is MY key to happiness
Somedays the only thing you accomplish is making a list for tomorrow
I’ll walk across 100 miles of legos barefoot just to see you smile
I want to buy a top of the line humidifier and dehumidifier and put them in a small room and let them fight it out
If I don’t like apple cider, chances aren’t pretty good that I won’t like hard apple cider, please get me a beer
Samson had his hair, I have a radish
Flawed is the new shiny
I’ll hold your hand, hold your hair, hold my tongue just to continue carrying my torch for you
Eventually we reach a point where the math becomes upsetting
Fortune favors willing participants
Friends hug, long, awkward, amazing hugs
Writing when you feel like hell is hard
Cuddling with a cat or dog is the best medicine
The food train has no stops, you just enjoy the ride
You say chicken, I taste hellfire
When running always have a snack in your shorts
Supposedly wearing tights under your boots makes you look more casual
I am not impressed with your knit cap but your face topiary is amazing
Some Hookah bars never open, I assume some never close
The city of Concord sleeps well at night knowing Grapeman is on the job
These lists get stranger when I spend the night out
The key to finding foods you enjoy is by trying foods you might hat
The dark head of hair hides the fire that the deep smokey eyes advertise
Knowledge is power, but specific ignorance is comfort
Sometimes the most fascinating of us are the most flawed
I can test your beliefs, your perspective and your patience, and that’s just before breakfast, late-night the tests become multiple choice
Bad Bread equals good crackers
With madness comes inspiration
I could have never predicted the great cauliflower shortage of 2016, I feel slightly responsible
And the great text predicted the ‘Vegan-Soccer-Mom Uprising’, they swept across the country like locust, whining at and judging everyone in their path, it wasn’t until the ‘soy-milk decimation act of 2025’ was ratified that humanity began to rebuild
Creativity is frequently uncomfortable, like an itch that needs to be scratched, unfortunately poison ivy is similar, once in 2002 I thought I was creative, and the creativity spread from one arm to the other
I should be doing something else, RIGHT NOW, that’s what these notes are, procrastination
One pill makes you smaller, while one pill makes you bold
Key repeat is one of those things you take for granted unless you accidentally change that setting and you can’t type the simplllllest of words
Unlike Scarlett O’Hara I don’t depend on the kindness of strangers, but I’m not adverse to their comfort
Sometimes it’s fun to uncork a deliciously confusing double negative, I really don’t have no good reason not too (boom!)
Today at least I’d rather be wordy than worldly
Less is never more, that’s never been less apparent
If machines run better well lubricated, then relationships are a machine
Tea is the new Moscow Mule
Snow sucks
Doing the wrong thing for the right reason, doesn’t make it right
Pineapple Juice and seltzer isn’t a thing
Cats are not goldfish, they remember
Some things that are broken, always have been
Client Email is actually the 8th ring of hell
IMHO gummi worms are the finest creature of the gummi kingdom
Poutine is better than not Poutine
Much like a warm cat, keep a good friend close
Crying is a sign of strength, not weakness
Flirting like knife-throwing requires near constant practice
Crumbs are good
Laughter is the best medicine
There is no such thing as Dry Cold, it’s just Cold
Snow still sucks, but slightly less than ice
Stress < Beer
A little hug can go a long way
There is no such thing as too much fun
Awkward is the new black
I can draw a bath, I can draw conclusions, but frogs, that I cannot draw
Some bottles have screw-tops
Children generate energy, and smiles
Partners are the key, happiness is the lock
Brownies and Nutella are the ultimate finger food
Chianti goes with Lasagna
Draw a line, I’ll cross it
Wine, wine, wine, wine, wine
Tiny patches of ice are a hazard
Siri always knows the way home
Dogs like groins
The edible sand is just colored sugar
A homemade gift made from the heart, instantly cherished
Quiet is the new loud
I am in fact a fixer-upper and chances are, attic needs renovations.
waiting is hard, patience is too
I’d follow you into the dark
It typically runs both fast and hot
cookies can be dessert
If alcohol is the widely accepted social lubricant, lube me up
Nothing isn’t sacred, to someone
Some conversations unfold gradually, others crash to the floor
Catnip comes in many flavors
Too much of a good thing is a requirement
Anxiety is the new dark gray
Everyone needs someone they can call/text/nudge at 3am
I can’t tell a shire from a village
I’m most likely wrong in my assumption that the Irish don’t like tea
Desire is my drug
I have dishes that aren’t dishwasher safe, I put them in the dishwasher anyhow, I hate playing it safe
Patience is still hard, I’m unsuccessfully waiting for that to stop being the case
The path to happiness is paved with mistakes you made, and eventually owned
We should all just leave all judging to Judy
I’d sooner give you my spleen than my phone
I am magnesium
If I’m paying 8 bucks for a smashed burger, I wanna hear the cook scream “BURGER SMASH” as he prepares it
Your smile lights up the room, and the joy in your eyes illuminates the deepest part of my soul
Arousal is chemical
I’m a free spirit, most everything else is by the hour
Not all one way roads, go somewhere
Anything worth doing, is worth teaching
Hiding from life is the saddest way to live
The thing about keeping the entire world at arms length is that nobody gets close enough to love you
There is nothing in this world as painful as the knowledge that you’ve disappointed a friend
I’ll hold you up, I’ll pick you up, I’ll prop you up, I’ll sing you praises from the highest rooftops, you are the world to me, and your happiness is my oxygen
Ride the wave until it hits the beach
I’ll say I’m sorry everyday and I’ll never stop meaning it
Somedays happiness is an unobtainable goal
Everyday is an opportunity to make a fresh start
There’s far too many forks on this table for a burger joint
I don’t snack, I obsess and devour
Lust is my kindling
Translucent is the new opaque
I covet, constantly
Somedays happiness is an unobtainable goal
I’ll say I’m sorry everyday and I’ll never stop meaning it
Whatever red wine can’t fix, can stay broken
My heart is an open book, the rest of me is closed for renovations
I’m easily seduced by a well-turned phrase or a pretty smile
I actually prefer dessert first, and second, and frequently third
Never buy pants alone
The road to happiness is bumpy and hazardous
Trust me, you’ll feel it
We don’t need to talk, we can just be
Everyday is an opportunity to make a fresh start
There’s far too many forks on this table for a burger joint
I’m the gaper causing the delay
Sometimes NO is the best YES
Show me your sins, and I’ll show you mine
I’m totally dancing on the inside
I know Shakira, at least on a cellular level
I want to wear you like wet wool
Amnesty provides faith to the faithless
Honesty is freedom
Nothing is sexier than a woman who isn’t concerned with my definition of sexy
I want a full glass of life, you start pouring, I’ll say when
My personal hell is silent and cold
After so much time, it’s hard to accept any truth but the one you’ve assumed was true
Laughter isn’t the only thing that’s infectious, but it is the most fun
Beauty lies in those moments when no one is watching
Let me wrap you in a quilt of safety, brightness and warmth
The heat from your passion melts the coldest part of me
Before you, there was no one
Regret is the foundation that sadness is built
Amnesty provides faith to the faithless
The best part of me is you
Date night is every night
Petting equals purring
Nobody wears self-consciousness well
The you that you are at your absolute worst, is the you that I love
If you live a tragedy long enough, anything, regardless of how tragic it is, feels normal
Emotionally shutdown, physically shutoff, psychologically locked out
This simpatico feels familiar
Profoundly broken is the new normal
Long after looks fade, funny & smart endure
Hydration is a fluid concept
Your laughter is my flint
A real friend is someone who doesn’t just know were all your skeletons are buried, but has helped you bury a few
I work hard to surround myself with positivity, it’s sad that it actually takes hard work.
Nobody wore it better
Love is a strenuous exercise
Affection is best served warm
Life is too short to eat convenience food
A best friend lends you a shoulder to lean on, an ear when you need one, and holds your hand when everything around you is dark
Pleasure comes from unusual places
Liquor, poker and holdem
Mind, body, spirits
Listening is the answer to most relationship questions
Oil it
Right now is all about you and I, nothing else exists beyond our small bubble of passion
Laughter, desire, doodles, wine and bread
Anyone who says laughter and sex don’t go together, probably not much fun in bed
I’m at the age where nachos after 9 PM are topped with melted cheese, jalapeno and regret
Nasty is the new naughty
Opportunity isn’t always obvious
If you don’t ask the question, it really doesn’t matter what the answer is
Sometimes lust clouds judgement
When hangry, go for the peanut butter cups
Stress can cause you to skip meals, it can also cause you to binge eat, that’s why stress is a sadistic asshat
The ‘Got your nose’ game, is not a big hit in the leprosy ward
I want to crowdsource a flash mob of kickstarters to start kicking crowds of mobsters
I spend every waking moment dreaming about the next time I’ll see you
Introspection is free, therapy is billed in 45 minute increments
Challenge yourself, take something you’re good at, do it longer, faster, different, take something you’re not so good at, and do it a lot, never stop
Don’t succumb to destructive habits, call a friend, walk away, weakness isn’t attractive
When in doubt, the answer is always No!
Opportunity lives everywhere, but you have to leave your bubble to see it
Sometimes ideas are like pineapple cake they work better turned upside down
Abhor typical, despise common, everybody does those
Be the cat in the sunbeam, enjoy a momentary simple pleasure
Help more than you hurt
I think I’m developing a selfish allergy
You’re totally my bagel, you’re my everything
Your love is my church, and I want to spend the rest of my life worshipping you
My judgement was clouded by the dark stormy events that precipitated
Find something that you enjoy doing, and do it
Sometimes saying something in an elevator to break the awkward silence, is infinitely more awkward, especially when what you say includes the word plummet
Sometimes social clues are lost on Professor Plum
Aspire to satisfy your needs, and those of your friends and family before you move on to your wants
Those people you choose to surround yourself with are your family
Traveling stretches your world, opens your mind, teaches you in ways that books ever could
Selfless is the new selfish
We all make mistakes, backslide on habits, slip on gameplans, don’t let it gut you, and keep moving in a positive direction
Don’t use hot water to melt ice, it actually freezes
faster than cold water
Procrastination ends right now
Forever consensually affectionate
Whenever, wherever, however, forever
I love you in poems written indelibly
Non-binary seeks bit-operator for a rational relationship and multiplication
Sometimes life is uphill, sometimes it’s a water slide into a ball pit full of puppies
I wear my vices like outerwear, my secrets like underwear
Occasionally my creativity is on strike, sometimes it just strikes me
Full price is the new sale price
Do the math before you answer
Sadly, when baking sometimes my popovers don’t
It’s been days since I apologized for tomorrow
Pirates like a little booty to hold at night
Your laughter is the fluid in the lighter that sets my heart on fire
Fake it till there’s baking
Whenever I hear about incarcerated people on a bread and water diet, I almost alway think, mmmm bread
I’m not religious, but based on his photos, Jesus probably spent a lot of time in the gym
Am I the only one who feels oppressed when people tell me to have a ‘good morning’
Small bags are the new big bags
I try not to think of were leather comes from, I have this fantasized scene of a cow stepping into a Victoria’s Secret changing room and then handing out their hide, that non-reality seems almost adorable
You have to excuse me, I’m so lost in your eyes that I have no hope of ever being found
Luck is a smile on the Easter bunny
If you don’t have goals, you’ll never achieve them
Sometimes happiness comes in pairs
With pain comes clarity
Real cream makes it all better
I hold my breath every time I see you, attempting to make that moment last forever
Exhaustion is the new well rested
I’m dancing on the inside
Your sweat is my satisfaction
Sometimes a Bloody Mary bar can become a tall glass of vodka and a small salad
We love you for all those imperfections and quirks that you hate about yourself
Excuses are the zigzag piece in the Tetris game of life
Take a minute for yourself
Sometimes it’s not about anything but making someone else happy
Preserves on sausages, it’s a thing
Central Park is the key, I have no idea to what
Your smile is the secret to my happiness
A new month brings a new start, don’t let the mistakes you made last month darken your mood this month, let it go and move on
If you’re a half-mocha soy latte kinda person please step away from the actual cream – there’s nothing for you there
Smiles are accumulative
Most upper-west-side dogs dress better than me
Between Heaven and Hell is the Lincoln Tunnel
Happy significant others far less confrontational existence
Most organizational challenges can be solved the night before, take 20 minutes make a list of what you need to accomplish the night before
Embrace the imperfections and flaws in everything and everyone
Good pizza is worth driving for
Friends are the egg in the latke of life
Everyday is a reboot
Somedays the storm rolls in without warning
If you could see yourself through my eyes you’d realize how astonishingly beautiful you truly are
Silly is the new mature
I’d happily trade gold for laughter, laughter is lighter
When goats dine with ducks, the goats bring the kids, but the ducks deal with the bill
Anything worth crying about is worth talking about
Did the Justice League of America have a kitchen? If so, who cooked? What was their specialty?
First-Date Favorites; smell: hazelnut, color: vermillion, bond-film: Live and Let Die, yogurt: black-cherry, item-of-clothing: a pullover hoodie, fashion accessory: my thin chainmaile bracelet, activity: kissing
Fact: I’m physically a morning person, and mentally a night owl
If consumers learned to do some simple math while grocery shopping, we’d probably have better pricing, smarter consumers and more supermarket fires
Nobody promised you happiness or success, fight for it, scratch, claw, climb earn your happiness through sweat and hard work
Reward yourself, take yourself on a me date every now and then
I can think of no one I’d rather grow old with than you, every wrinkle is a story, every gray hair a chapter in our lives
Pet peeve: When people assume that the odds on flipping a coin, or rolling dice, ever change, regardless of what the previous result was, the odds never change
Favorite sound: Trains in the distance
Breakfast for dinner equals Brinner, and it’s the greatest thing ever, Brinner is 2.6% better than Brunch, and it’s superiority over the poorly conceived Lunner is immeasurable.
Having you by my side makes me feel like I can accomplish anything
When in doubt, slight smile, eye contact and a firm handshake
I don’t actually care what happens in your bedroom, that’s your business, unless you’re inviting me in, then I need details so I know how to dress
First Date Favorites; coffee: light roast, black, adult beverages: Gentleman Jack, pie: pumpkin pie
I respect anyone who finds comfort and answers in faith, I also respect those who don’t, it’s really nobodies business which group I belong to
I was so relieved to learn that duck sauce contained no actual ducks
Oversleeping is the Jordan Almond in the whitmans sampler of productivity
You have nothing to be self conscious about, everything that makes you different, makes you unique, embrace unique
Words that need to go away: Bespoke, Jawn, Irregardless, Bae
There is, in fact, more than a single pot for every lid
Passion is the new fruit
The next best thing to old friends, is new friends, closely followed by those friends you have yet to meet
Make a goal, achieve that goal, don’t bitch about all the stuff in between
Gym observation: Little yoga girls are STRONG and seemingly do not perspire, perhaps they are robots
When I close my eyes and picture us together in 25 years I see nothing but sunshine and happiness
Friends that you haven’t talked too in months and/or years that when you do, it seems like you just did, I love that
Some movies have secret messages in them, just for me
If THAT is what squats do to a body, squats should be mandatory to but Doritos
Plaid is this years black
A testament to the quality of pizza is how good it is the next day eaten cold, very good pizza is actually better cold
Never don’t try, the worst case scenario is you fail, trying and failing is admirable, never trying because you’re afraid you’ll fail is pathetic
Nervous excitement is personal plutonium
At $1.95 a gallon for regular, I’ll lower my back windows, please fill the back seat with regular
It took 5 days for my new, much larger phone, to feel exactly like the old smaller phone, but after 7 years I climb in my big SUV and miss my small SUV, odd
I apologize in advance for every regrettable word, every horrid thought, forever I’ll be apologizing
Every now and then I need to get in the car and go 120mph, not for very long, but for a while, last night was one of those nights
I enjoyed watching you take pictures of the menu last night and zoom it to read – just because you forgot your glasses, that was adorable and clever
First Date Favorites: Boardwalk Food: Caramel Corn, Casino Game: Video Poker, Perfume: Happy, Guilty Pleasure Movie: ConAir
Goat cheese and beets is the new Cookies and Cream
Simple is elegant, people need to learn to appreciate simple
Instant gratification is fleeting, LIKE immediately if you agree
Ticklish is the new double-jointed
Jelly is the unsung hero in a PB&J, It’s day will come
One of the chopsticks needs to be pointy so you can shiv the potstickers
I’ve been dealt the Ace of hearts and I’m doubling-down on her
Handshakes are dirtier than a nice snog
I live in a wool and cable-knit jungle
Baking is 57% knowledge, 33% technique and 10% good fortune
Don’t hide the curves, accentuate them
Nuts in the shell are the ultimate health food – each has a little mandatory workout attached
It’s magic when you find that person who checks all your boxes, my boxes are checked in sharpie
People are clay, society is the wheel
Sometimes you’re afraid of heights, almost never widths
I’m a live nerve
One persons notes is another’s journaling
Contractual sex is binding, but only if it’s done right
Good peanut butter regardless of how hard it hits the gym will always be chunky
Spanish yoga is sleeping
Plunging necklines never actually hit the floor
New friends are better than old acquaintances
A giant bowl of decadent chocolate cream make anything instantly dessert, it’s also why I usually have a spoon in my bag
Laughter might not actually be medicine but it does make you feel better
Sexy never goes out of style, and it’s more about confidence than anything else
I want to own property with you, I’m just not sure where yet
Sometimes a shared villan makes relative strangers into close friends
A cold beer, a warm smile, a hot oven, and stirring conversation makes a recipe for a fun night
GPS has saved more relationships than Viagra
There is such a thing as too much data, I now gave quantifiable proof I sleep like a caffeinated 3 year old
Some of us are the worst of us, even on our best days
I’ll hold your hand and we can sing as we walk though the fire together
Groundhogs don’t have heating bills
Muscle guys at the gym speak their own grunt and nod language
We can change everything but our history, all we can do with that is learn from it
Sometimes south of the equator is were all the fun happens
Friends let friends get awkward, and then embrace it
Songs are my milestones, flavors my souvenirs, photos my legacy
Time will not erase our impact
Amazing people are everywhere, but as a society we seem to fixate and glamorize the worst of us
Do boats experience pier pressure
Lust is the acai berry
The light in your eyes excites my mind and inflames my body
We are my galvanic response
Imagine a world driven by value rather than profit
Stares fate in the face and laughs… as if fate exists
You’re my Tauntaun, and baby it’s cold outside
Sleep masks aren’t suitable for holdups
Holdups mean something entirely different in the U.K., They also have great, and highly descriptive words like; chuffed, knackered and minging, all of which are far more colorful than most American words.
Multitasking: you working half as hard, on twice as much, resulting in nothing
Friends are people you regularly lose sleep talking with about nothing in particular
She’s up all night to the sun, I’m changing the radio station
Everyday can be improved by a view of the ocean, and sand between your toes
First Date Fact: When I think of New York City – I smell burnt soft pretzels, and when I think of Philly I smell pralines, Oregon, salt water, and I’m actually not kidding – I really do, I suspect that’s not typical.
Somewhere between happy and sad lives comedy
Everything seems worse in the bright lights of the big city
Tempt me with words, mesmerize me with actions
You lost me at the spork in the road
Nothing is sexier than smart
IMHO Everyday can be improved by a view of the ocean, and sand between your toes
Some opportunities are best avoided
Somewhere out there is a fortune cookie writer job, just for me
Headaches are the new hangnail
He’s a bit of a dandy, wrapped in last seasons fashions, traipsing around Manhattan with this seasons mistake
They entered into the deal willingly, old friends in business together; each contributing ideas and time, although they gained wealth, notoriety and fame, they lost respect for each other, which in the end, was something their new money couldn’t replace
One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you Saul
I know why I’m with you, I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why you’re with me
Next time someone pisses you off, or disrespects you, rather than letting it ruin your day, turn that frustration inside out and do something nice for someone else, let that positive energy ripple through the universe
Put butter on it, live a little
I don’t need a holiday to tell me to love someone, but chocolate I’ll take
Red wine before nine is fine
See past the frustration to the reward
99.9% of the time I’d rather kiss your face than shake your hand, I have no idea where your hands have been
Twice the care, four times the love, cracked black pepper
Happiness is a warm cat
Turning 50 means your doctor and all the nurses have the green light to start making colonoscopy jokes, they amuse no one
Bad pizza is the saddest food group
A strong beer makes the worst craft, almost tolerable
Cold weather is penance for having four seasons
Somedays chocolate is the highlight
Television is far more entertaining after a shot of NyQuil
Sometimes that delicious looking dessert isn’t
Undesirable is the new invisible
Commuting can kill you, but trolley tracks will just maul you
I never see the Oscar Meyer Weiner mobile, but I did get flashed on the subway the other day, so I assume that counts
Fact one: I associate people to songs, and songs to events
Fact two: I only like you for your pets
Your awkwardness is what I love about you
Socially acceptable voyeurism is the new nielson family
Almost everyday I reach a point where I have to purposefully stop talking
Your kid is fine, it’s you that’s a mess, your kid is a kid, you have no excuse
I’d hate to use the tub after Beyonce
Snark is the new sweet nothings
Dogs always want the one they don’t have, cats just want both, or more accurately for you to have none
Friendships always float
You don’t realize something is bad for you till you stop
According to the dogs going outside is great, unless it’s raining, then going out is required, but not enjoyed
Eating when you’re not hungry is a weird choice that I need to stop making
Spending prolonged time alone, I now realize I’m an impulsive cleaner, I don’t even realize I’m doing it, if I ever end up in a ramshackle cabin in the woods writing my manifesto, it’s gonna be spotless inside
Latenight texts can get weird..
I’m the squeaky tweet
He cannot have that which he loves, for it makes him sick, but it’s all he thinks about, but alas it cannot be
Crazy salt lives up to it’s name, can’t say so much for crazy straw
I’ve never had bulletproof coffee, but I’m willing to try, sounds interesting
Woods cat is waterproofed, may never figure that one out
The ducks sense the intrusion and are efficient communicators
Cheese is the new ambrosia
Dry skin is what Smokey the Bear was warning you about
What you think, and what you believe, can conflict
Old habits die hard, as do Viagra overdoses
Sometimes you have to expose your bone to eat your string beans
10 cups of coffee doesn’t mean I have a problem, it means I have a solution
I only need three days, but I’ll ask for nine
Problem solving has less to do with paying a university, and more to do with listening and paying attention
Most doors in fact don’t swing both ways
Lots of tools are both the noun and the verb they perform, can you name a one?
Strategy is the new brute force
Sleep is habit forming
Jumbotrons lack compassion
Caffeine is meth for soccer moms
To eat is a necessity, to eat well, takes some planning
Some of use idle annoyed and skeptical
Deers obviously know they’re fast
Any attention is fine, but right now we need your attention to the fact that our bowls are empty
Thorns suck!
Assuming you don’t like something you’ve never tasted is mouth hypocrisy
At some point it’s so much ‘Ripped from the headlines’ as it is gleaned from Redditt and Twitter
FTR Ice-T stopped being ‘gangsta’ right around the time Xhibit stopped ‘pimping’ cars
From now on I’m always shopping at a market near a yoga studio, and I’m going to say it’s because the healthy food selection is better
Supposedly I’m throwing out archival cheese
Whomever makes the cinnamon gummy bears should notice a drop in their sales soon
You’ll never impress me with beige
Lard is the new Bitcoin
I care more about you than I care about myself, this is a relatively new realization
Rebuilding what you’ve spent a lifetime tearing down, starts with willingness
Woods cat is a stealthy bastard
What passes as silence is actually a symphony of quiet
37% of all Americans believe in some tale of cryptozoology, a slightly higher percentage think Velvetta is named after a glow-in-the-dark painting of Elvis
Pleasure with no one to share it, is in my opinion, sadder than misery alone
The minute you told me I could trust you, I stopped
Never occurred to me till just now that, come hell or high water, was a biblical reference
Don’t get me started on Atheists using biblical references
I’m 37% sure I’m making up statistics to amuse myself
Some days being 20 minutes from anything is aggravating
Underselling a commodity to achieve quantity can be hard on the knees
I’m sure the Pope will finally settle the whole Philly cheesesteak rivalry #popeinphilly
I’m painted in B-2 spirit paint
I’m 37% certain that you share the same ATM pin with at least 500,000 other ATM users
Security and Privacy are the new emperors clothes
Some Dogs are bone chewers, others, rawhide grouchos
Nothing about a yellow Porsche says classy, so you might as well go for the douchey vanity plates
Popeblocked, a verb, example of usage: I had a cool thing to do tonight, but was totally popeblocked Ñ origin: Philadelphian, see also jawn
Garden havok is better than garden null
My wife pitched me an app idea, I like it
I need to adjust the dogs internal clock, can’t find the crown
Dogs might sleep more than cats, as if that’s possible
Standing is the new sitting
Security starts with 7 foot high fences and ends with hushed tones
Solitude is not a fortress, it’s a moat
Dogs use their mass at least 65% more effectively than people, cats can seemingly control gravity
Falling asleep early is awesome and it also sucks
It’s weird how an environment can influence daily habits
If you start with a yes, things can happen
We’re allowed to be happy, for some it’s harder than for others
I’d rather you tell me the truth and make me sad, than have you lie to me to make me happy
I’m a power skimmer, it’s a skill I’ve mastered because I’m easily bored
I’d gladly trade a foot massage for a foot massage today
Changing habits is hard, unless you’re a nun, then you’re probably really good at it
Fiber is the new lost ark
Sleep is a handful of wet sand
Gracefully backing out of a commitment is not a skill I possess
Some batteries cannot be recharged
My pokerface is covered in paint
I’m not short stacked but I am unwilling
Seemingly uninterested, obviously unmotivated, perpetually disassociated
I have Piper in the crows-nest sitting on Pope lookout
I’m historically inaccurate, like the food midway at a Ren Faire
When you’re a jet you’re a jet all the way, from your first cigarette, to your last dying day, now there’s a binding agreement with a gapping hole in it
I’ll take a nap with anyone who’s willing, I’m kinda slutty that way
I need to take pajamas with me to go mattress shopping
I like flat white
[ redacted because it actually offended me ]
Digging my short hair, I love my barber
There are days when I really miss the whip
A colleague was just telling me that she got a resume that included a section labelled piercings and tattoos’, I totally understand why that’s relevant in certain industries
Regret is the wool sweater
Support is actions, not words
Somedays I disappoint myself, yesterday was one of those days
These notes are cheaper than therapy
Inaction is contagious
One persons funny is another persons uncomfortable, some of us find uncomfortable people hilarious
It’s not to early to start planning the resolutions you’re going to ignore for 2016
My labor will be walking, fetching and feeding
I need a haircut, I’ve been complacent because I probably only have a few left
Flatbread reading is 17% more accurate than tea leaves, and far better with butter
I have a STRONG desire to combine my writing with my drawing, to that end these notes are likely going to change format once or twice a week, don’t blame me if those days the notes are a little twisted and give you nightmares, daymares, I’m not sure if daymares are real.
I might need a writing mentor
Obsession is bugs in your head
Fact: the lyric ÔDevil will drag you under by the fancy tie around your wicked throat’ has been stuck in my head since I was 9 years old..
Coffee before ho-ho’s
Running is the Jane Fonda VHS tape
I’m both demanding and relenting
Everyone can draw, you just have to practice to get better
I’ve never actually purely followed a recipe, but I try to stay in the spirit of the original recipe
I’m 14% less patient than I am endearing, at least I hope so
When I’m restless (which is frequent) I have to do something constructive with my hands
Burned food is what happens while you’re making other food
I’m of the opinion that if you order your steak cooked past medium rare, you probably shouldn’t eat steak
Please don’t order fish at a steak house, it encourages them
Fact: when I wake to fog, snow or ice, I go back to bed
If you’re not using it, put it away, if you never use it, get rid of it
Dust tells many truths, but dust bunnies never squeal
I’d like a ice-cold wheat beer and a crazy straw please
I’m scared of the glazed look I see on the face of the people at the local casino
Magnets are the new double-sided tape
Cheesey is never easy
If I could get it out of my head, I wouldn’t be writing about it
Obsessive is an understatement, if you’re not, you’ll never understand
One persons insignificant is someone else’s catastrophic
Just don’t stop till I get enough
Your opinion means less to me than your support
Just because something is easy, doesn’t mean it’s also actually difficult
Thinking comes from not knowing, at least I think so
ABD: Always be doodling
Don’t watch my hands, that not where the tricks happen
Refill yes, lemon no
Experience is the new enthusiasm
Music is the fuel that drives my creativity
AppleTVs are returnable for up to 3 years from purchase
I’m a sucker for Karaoke, and acapella, no wait I mean tequilla
I have very few secrets left
I support things that enrich my life, I wish that was universal, instead most people take other peoples effort for granted, and only get vocal when it’s threatened or ends
I have more ways to procrastinate than you, I’m doing it right now, ironically, so are you
I’ll happily sacrifice my canned fish for the health and well being of my backyard cats
Every single day it’s a battle to stay in the light
The exterior of the burger tells stories that the interior does not support
Regret and shame are the building blocks of a habit
Hopefully somewhere a Comcast exec is asphyxiating on my money while they pleasures themselves to an up-sell audioloop of upcoming PPV events
Disco is the new grunge
Idle hands learn nothing
You’re not killing yourself with kindness, it’s television and overly processed foods
Red wine makes you more funnier
I don’t want more hours in a day, I want more days in the week
Occassionally sales and wait staff flirt back
Pizza is a vector of quality
If a restaurant sells bread as opposed to giving it away, buy it immediately
Melting cheese on my grilled chicken salad was an unexpected move
What they lack in style they recoup in speed of service, I wonder how their generous portions translate to their bar service
I’m a sucker for dark hair, dark eyes and a dark sense of humor
Your hips probably lie
Writing is a non-destructive, productive form of procrastination
You’re gorgeous exactly as you are
Yes, your face is clean, but your ideas, whole different story
Watching is the second best part
Whiskey is the new palate cleanser
Dipping a cookie in chocolate doesn’t always make it better, extrapolate to literally anything
Greed is ugly, but not as ugly as arrogance
Bubbles are meant to be broken
Ideas move faster than sound
You actually can’t take it with you
Mass transit in Philadelphia is better than I recall, but overpriced
It’s not just you that’s misinformed, we live a misinformed existence
You’re not getting away with it, everyone is
Lemming fall to their death every game, it how the game is played
I’ll save you 2 titanic hours, the boat sinks
You put your trust is the wrong people, the suits hide the horns and cloven hooves
Technology isn’t your enemy, it’s a hammer with a plug, a blender with a memory
Pudding is comfort
Bacon cheese fries are the new blue plate special
Nobody cares about your personal growth, the just care about how you fit into the box they’ve built for you.
Supporting a community involves both your time, your ideas and your wallet
Handmade is always better
Inspiration is walking with your eyes open and your brain engaged
Lust is the subplot that carries the movie
Some trains aren’t worth running for
Some riders may be larger than they appear
My bag has power for days
I like one ingredient vinaigrette on my salad
Cars need brakes, and some days I can’t catch one
it’s not the money, it’s the annoyance
After two weeks in darkness, the light feels good
Waffles are the new currency
Let it go, white paint isn’t going to fix that
Without pain you wouldn’t know pleasure
Trust in blindness
With humiliation comes character
They’ve been purely decorative for at least a week
I’m not ignoring you specifically, so much as I have my life on mute
Big things make you appreciate small things
I don’t mind freemium commercials, I mind that they lack variety
I have something in my wallet that contradicts that statement
Wabi-Sabi is my jam..
As I get older I care less about joe publics opinion
Savory water ice is an untapped market
Godzilla is a selfish lover, and should be replaced with a new, shinier model
Some fifteen dollar drinks are herby
Drunken Excess is the new temperance
Second things first
Talent is about hard work, persistence, and desire, it’s not a gift
Don’t plan to fail
The barista at Starbucks doesn’t really care how you spell your name
Text messaging is great – but a hug is better
It’s only 9am but courtesy of my overly affectionate cat at 3am – I’m considering a nap, maybe I’ll go wake her up
Beauty lives in the worn, scratched and chipped among us
For 50 years in a row – didn’t watch the debate, and I know my math is wrong, you know what I mean
There’s just not enough time in the day for all the ideas
History is the new future
Coffee and painting do not mix, luckily I know that
Lethargy is defeated by getting off your ass
It’s pretty stupid if you live your life in a safe little box, I hate to tell you, that’s kind of how you end up anyhow
Your comfort level is too tight
Laziness breeds indifference
If I had a white horse I’d sweep in and take you away
Chocolate is my drug of choice
Today is yesterday with fresher sheets
Persistence is the key to pulling happiness out of the darkness
Don’t let your issues define you, it’s far too easy to let a label defeat you
Spending a night with a loved one is the new binge watching
Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, and quality whiskey for all the rest
Planning and experience is the key to repeatable successes, anyone can get lucky once or twice
Music makes the mundane tolerable
Lettuce does not equal salad
Prioritize, prepare, procrastinate
Eventually I always use the things I’ve purchased, it just takes time, I’m a shopping clairvoyant
Many morning I’m amazed this is my life, thanks everyone
The worst part of driving away from the house is the look I get from upstairs cat as I pull away
I’m still thinking about those disappointing scones from the other day (see previous list)
Do you learn something new everyday?, I do
Prolific makers impress the hell out of me, lately I’ve met a few, and those folks seemingly don’t sleep
Relationships are about the little things in between the big things
Fragrant is the new odiferous
French kissing a giraffe is mostly one-sided
Eight proteins is one protein too many
Supporting the dreams, goals and desires of the people in your life, is what keeps those people in your life
Cargo pants are a great thing except for when you misplace everything in the pocket you forget you have
Meatballs are the perfect place to stash extra cheese
Older snap peasÉ don’t
If you’re going to sell Ginger-Peach scones, I should taste both, most every bite, otherwise it’s like eating three separate mini scones
I spent an awkward amount of time petting a bulldog on the street yesterday, it was weird for me, the dog owner and eventually the dog
Coffee solves many problem, but traffic is not one of them
When in doubt, Banana
Honesty is a policy, but contrary to what you learned from the Muppets, nuns, and your mother, it’s not always the best policy in every situation.
Plans are the key, Boredom is the lock
Charity is the new greed
I’m skeptical that it’s actually August third
Some toes need to feel fancy
Ginger is a recessive spice, although seemingly Scary isn’t
Boxes of ticking kittens house an adorable surprise
At 10pm six donuts is not the smart choice
Never underestimate the power of ego, or eggo if its breakfast
The best laid plans, end up just laying there
I’m still lamenting about those donuts
Everyday is a tug-of-war between good and meevil
Oh I’ve created yet another new word (that’s 3 if you’re counting) Meevil: being in a highly selfish, narcissistic or evil mood for no particular reason.
Most days I have a song on repeat in my head, today the song is ÔThompson Twins: Salvador Dal’s Car’
Some clients are the best kind of taskmasters, others not-so-much
I don’t have patience for fancy coffee, fancy donuts or fancy mummers, I’m essentially simple..
I fear nothing but the blank page
Persistent is the new intermittent
What if the thing that makes you happy wasn’t good for you?
I’m the pole at the opposite end of the magnet
The secret the bagel industry doesn’t want you to know, if you eat them toastedÉ they’re better after your freeze them
Avocado and tomato are the Rachael and Ross of the kitchen
Surrounding yourself with talented people is a great way to bust a slump
I’m at the stage of my life where country music is starting to make sense, and that worries me
Walking in the woods dog-free isn’t nearly as much fun, FACT: people walking dogs aren’t mistaken for hobos
If coveting is a sin, I’m a repeat sinner
Parking tickets are the penalty for not actually reading the sign
I hear people say they don’t want to go to sleep mad, I think that’s totally wrong, things always seem less tragic after some sleep, it should be never go to Six Flags mad, because the lines and prices will just make you madder
I didn’t write a list yesterday, and no one said a thing, it was a test, and you failed, re-tests will be issued in person with bread and butter
Dutch Babies are the new flapjacks
I’m allergic to Selfishness
Gravity has it’s own way of winning
Trust doesn’t live at Starbucks
Draw, everyday, it doesn’t need to be good, it just needs to be done
Rinse, lather, repeatÉ this is going to take all day
People who think being a bank teller is a good job, have never been a bank tellerÉ extrapolate to any job that requires public/money interaction
Oh and count your damn money before you step away from the tellers window, what the hell is wrong with you
I don’t question your point-of-view, I have issues with you cramming it down my throat
It can’t be a surprise you were going to pay with a check, how about taking out the checkbook and maybe writing ÔTarget’ on it
I feel the need to scream, possibly for ice cream
My desk light has permanently become a source of on-demand warm
I might take all my clothes, my laptop and go find an undisclosed location from which to live out my mortal coil
Occasionally the humor truck doesn’t stop
I don’t approve of the phrase ‘Struggle Snuggle’ that just won’t end well
Grumble is new the eye roll
You can only live someone else’s life for so long before yoiu start to believe it
Ramen is a food group
I wouldn’t stare it’s just that they’re so beautiful
The longer the legs the more skin to burn
Mozzarella is a poor substitute
There’s never room at the table for a drink with peach in it, but there’s always room for a nice pear
If you order well at brunch it can carry over till dinner, otherwise brunch because a big late breakfasty precursor to a late lunch
Some houses has extra birds
Women will promise anything to get men to see a chick flick, they don’t always deliver
Clams aren’t shellfish
For some couples arguing is foreplay
Flea collars are useless against horses
Caramel is the nougat
Money can’t buy you anything that touches your heart, except for maybe a stent
Schools should teach conversation, productivity, ethics and healthy living, if you get those things down at least society doesn’t crumble
Don’t skip ahead, enjoy the now
There’s very little a 45 minute foot massage can’t improve
Regret and shame are the Sharpie markers of the emotional world
I’ve been to the then, I’m looking forward to the when
Food that you craft yourself, even if it’s as simple as a bowl of noodles, always better than store bought, even when it really isn’t that good
A walk in the wood is a great place to shed all the accumulated crap of your day
Dog kisses are the new Xanax
It’s not the size it’s the orientation
I guess if you’re in the mustard business every hour is the gulden hour
I’m continually baffled how a 90 pound dog can take up 117% of a king-sized bed
Wouldn’t it be amusing to learn that Einstein had 365 different pairs of socks each a different color
The ducks fear not, but they weave a webbed foot of lies
Country roads don’t take me home, nor do islands in the stream
Motivation is fleeting and elusive
Melted is the new seared
Today, my pants have secrets
Somedays the stick just doesn’t fit through the dog door
Fresh stringbeans are 1/6th the cost of packaged, but I had to put them in the old bag for the dogs to eat them
Hummingbirds are nectar snobs, clearly they have better options
Even the darkest days have a little sunlight
I cannot control my desires, but I can control how I act on them
Never discount consent, no coupons either
I’d walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, but I need to wear my own socks
Trapped somewhere between vertical and horizontal
Lake water looks better than it tastes, and it’s itchy
Corn must shop in the Husky department
Lethargy is the new ADHD
I reserve the right to change my mind, my opinion, or a dollar for four quarters
Yellow finches are the platinum blondes of birdom
Breakfast without something green is inferior
Come for the coffee, stay for the coffee
Sometimes you have to keep trying the same thing over and over while you think about the next step
Trust me, if I knew what was next, I’d do it
Dog kisses don’t make everything better, but they sure help
Isolation is only harmful if you do it alone
Vices are ravenous appetites you keep to yourself
Proactive is the new poorhouse
It is the humidity, it’s also the heat
Never stop trying new things
Can’t is the actual bad ‘c’ word
Dogs like the drying off processalmost as much as the getting wet process
Chanel will probably never make a cologne that smells deer pee
Squirrels should wear helmets
Life is full of delays, you just have to wait for them
I’m currently without a plan
Concern is the new calm
After a long sleepless night even dogs don’t want to take a walk
Humidity is like nature sweat
Nobody likes walking on cut stone, nobody
A weird unshakeable vibe is stalking me today
Left to my own devices every meal becomes a breakfast variation
I like my peanut butter smooth and my jazz crunchy
At this point I’ll stop pointing
Just sit quietly and let me take a nap on your lap
Contemplation is the new therapy
it’s all about circadians, don’t fight it
velocity and a clean pane of glass is not a birds best friend
I shared a moment with a hummingbird this morning, inches from my nose
making decisions is about having an abundance of relevant data, otherwise throw a dart
when you’re tired or hungry is not the time to have life discussions
albino birds, it’s a thing, no wait! those are doves
I get that he’s a duck, and she’s a duck, and I’m a goose, but who are you?
takes me about 72 hours to completely acclimate domestically, 120 hours internationally
the rain only stays outside if you close the windows
that chewable part of your neck, love that
if I had known I would have worn waders
adults don’t throw enough pajama parties
e.e. cummings is the new j.k. rowlings
Life’s not always a gentle caress, sometimes it’s a slap in the face
Sometimes things just happen, no reason, don’t get twisted when it does
Stupidity happens to everyone, better to laugh about it, than make it a habit
Chronic injuries SUCK
Morning naps aren’t always a thing, but this morning is the exception
I see mud in my future, lots and lots of mud
There will always be something creepy about daytime thunderstorms
Exhausted is the new enthusiased
Generally nothing worthwhile is easy to master
Reading is greater than watching
If you have nothing nice to say, try saying something constructive
If you don’t ask, I can’t answer
I speak fluent english, and about 50 words of yiddish – those 50 words have no single-english-word translation, I don’t recall any of the german I learned in school – Frau Parks would be very displeased
In the long-run creative speed is more important than creative quality
If at first you don’t succeed, save it, duplicate it, rename it, and fix it
There is no market for perfection, but the world has a massive appetite for good-enough
My brain runs on carbs, coffee, caffeine and chocolate – that’s not much of a nutritional pyramid
Your face just seems like it needs kisses
People spend far too much energy hiding what they’re ashamed of, rather than just owning it proudly and moving on
Fresh air and sunlight is the new Prozac
Good food can not make up for bad service
Cats are only SO trainable
Procrastination is deferred annoyance
Those tattoos are stockings
Don’t skimp on the knockwurst
We all have a list, mine is just longer
The ducks don’t care that the peas are healthier for them
Hygienically speaking, I’d sooner kiss you than shake your hand
The secret to being well rested is the siesta that precedes the pre-sleep nap
If it’s not the sun, or the water, it’s the bugs
I have to accept the fact that some games I’m just never going to win
Gravity claims another clumsy adult
Having a doctor tell me that something might take a full year to heal, and that’s only if I don’t re-injure it makes me want to just break it – since I believe that heals much faster
Restraint is the new deferred
Personal growth starts today, challenge yourself
Embrace failure
When you’re out with a friend, leave your cell at home
Order an extra slice, make it something you’ve never tried
Stay up late, read a book, draw, cook, bake, eat, drink
Take your favorite skill and teach it to someone you love
Teach yourself a disciplined activity, juggling, handstand, yoga
Don’t dawdle, if you can do it slow, you can teach yourself to do it fast, if you normally do it fast, slow it down
Talk your way past a doorman, a security guard or a movie theater ticket taker, yes it’s wrong, but a little wrong can be fun
Maintain a conversation with yourself, we don’t judge
Crazy Happy is the new you
Deep down I love you, but that’s under miles of sedimentary lust
I’ll tolerate everything but intolerance
Give me a day to clear my desk, my head, and my schedule, then let’s talk
Nobody ever had a good idea staring at a blank computer screen
This city was built on medium roast coffee and a toasted bagel
One can not simply ignore a cat and not suffer the consequences
The meatballs are better than the sum of their parts
In so many DIY foods patience is rewarded by flavor
I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you till the nightmare is over
My cat is the most aggrectionate at 3am, she’s not to be denied (and yes I made up a word)
Collaboration is the new Solo
I strongly recommend you surround yourself with people as weird as you are, but no weirder
Eat the pyramid upside down
Don’t work for your car
You’re thinking too much and not doing enough
The secrets lie in the woods, you learn them when you’re walking through
TV is not entertainment, TV is sedation
Succumb to your appetites
Find someone who’s turning, and you will come around
92% of the day I’m over hydrated
Normal is not a goal
Out of context, Having Elephant Ears with your coffee is horrific
Shorts are the new skort
Those lights on your dashboard can postpone your plans, extrapolate to life
Distractions sometimes have claws
Don’t ever take for granted that which seems effortless
I saw a stray city cat under the Ben Franklin Bridge, we shared a understanding stare, I was sorry he had to live outdoors in the city, he was sorry I had to go indoors because it was shaping up to be a nice day, taking him some food during lunch
It’s amazing the difference 20 minutes makes commute-wise
A few new skills is all you need to enrich your life, find a friend, and make it happen, learning is more fun together
Fear is only a four foot wall, climb over it
One person’s “Urban-exploration” is another person’s trespassing
The PPD don’t care about my Instagram feed, or the cool rooftop photo-op
Barefoot is the new business casual
I just woke up, but I need a nap
Good booze and better friends is a potent combination
Sometimes champagne opens itself
That mirror is actually a window
All couches look small in the big store
We’re all just digital services chattel
Not all intentions are best, according to a movie I once saw some are cruel
Unplanned road-trips test a relationship
89 is the new 65
Unexplored ideas will always seem like good ideas
Concepts are like poison, you need to get them out as quick as possible
Supposedly you can have so many books that you have to move
Favorites never disappoint, especially when they come with fries
Small gestures equals big feelings
This beer must be healthy it comes with fruit!
Opportunities come when you’re being the best version of you
Randomly generated is the new curated
Three cups of coffee is my limit unless of course you’re buying
Kindness should be habit forming
Your sense of humor far exceeds your substantial beauty
Never let tomorrow discourage you from today
Eating two separate single burgers is far greater than eating a single double burger
I’ve never been much of a joiner, maybe that’s because I never joined anything
I’m sorry mister merchant charging me $.60 for a banana, but $1.99 for an apple makes me feel like you have some kind of hidden fruit agenda
Wow, you can actually taste the greed in this bottled coconut water
Full tweeting autonomy, that’s what I want
I will happily prepare your graphic in any color, please pick a number between 0 and 16.8 million
Snark is the new poetry
It can (in fact) rain harder
Never describe that which you can draw
Please remove the Sharpies from the area surrounding the whiteboard
The shortest distance between two points (in the rain) involves running (and yes I know I get just as wet)
The ability to have great thoughts, and the ability to communicate great thoughts are in no way connected
Geeks can talk, at least to other geeks
Great service makes up for small tacos
When it involves me I’m most likely flirt blind
If my eyes could talk…
A platypus walks into a pharmacy to buy chapstick…
Being social is like having a night job
AHHH The ice means it’s not working… no, the ice means it’s working too well
Swanky is the new skanky, but skanky is still A-OK
I’m the wrong person to dare or bluff
Although I have an unpolished exterior appearance, I’m shiny on the inside
I prefer a cup of ice to a cup of water 99% of the time
I would feel bad putting salt on escargot
The next restaurant I dine at, starting with dessert, then apps, then if still hungry, main
I carry a sharpened stick just in case of marshmallows
Until you’ve driven a rented SUV down an unpaved goat path, you haven’t lived
Ducks secretly hate peas
Puppy love is temporary but a nice pair of legs goes on forever
Never stop looking is the new Always Be Closing
Living in darkness is only fun for mushrooms
If you use the right inflection anything can be dirty
Confidence and personal pride is what we should be teaching children, not that they’re special, self-esteem isn’t confidence, it’s latent arrogance
Everyone wants to be doing something else, it’s not just you
I’m a puppet for my emotions, I get tangled in the strings
Do you suppose all the Onion bagels secretly want is to be put in the same bag with all the other bagels #sadbagel
Left to it’s own devices my imagination can do more than run wildly
A smile (my smile) is a socially acceptable veneer
I don’t really care the thread count, I’m not precious, although I do care the freshness
Pro-Traveler Tip: Earplugs, buy them, use them, love them – sometimes the last room is near the elevator, or the lady next door is having more fun than you
Kissing is the new price of admission
Verbs are my favorite, don’t tell nouns
Short-Term Goal: Sell a piece of non-editorial artwork for an arbitrary amount of money
Long Term Goal: Walk the JMT
I bought two slices of pizza yesterday, they were huge slices, I asked the pizza dude to cut them each in half, making them easier to eat, jokingly I asked him, ÔHow much are they now?’ he told me they were now twice as much, and he did so perfectly deadpan. I ate my pizza in silence.
First Date Favorites: Diner-Desserts: Bread Pudding; Diner-Sides: Stewed Tomatoes and Mac & Cheese
I don’t have spirit, no I don’t
I’m more stubborn than you, unless you are Trudi, then it’s a push
I have buttons as big as hubcaps, it’s a curse
I love traveling if it wasn’t for all the traveling
I have no idea what silence sounds like, although I am darkness friendly
I saw a dark chocolate bar that was 97% cacao – I we’ve taken that far enough, I’d be concerned I’d get sucked into an alternate reality if I ate that
My isSpicy($food) function always returns false, debugging required
Awkward is the new Suave
Set a goal, walk towards it, somedays you should run
Tell a friend your secrets, regularly
I like my sweet on the salty side
Yesterday is the past
I love yogurt with MOST berries, but not tomatoes
Do something today that makes you look forward towards tomorrow
Find a spot, somewhere that you can be absolutely chill, I’m still looking
I love food on a stick, stick food is yummy
I feel the need to clean out the attic, I’m not sure why
Methodical is the new obsessive compulsion
Gaper delays piss me off
When you don’t know a gender, take note of the harness color
City life is probably healthier than suburb life, need to research that further
Creativity is a muscle that needs constant workouts
This city was built on caffeine and post-it notes
Perfect is never an option, loveliness lives in the imperfections
Imperfections do not equal mistakes, mistakes cen be fixed, imperfections should just be enjoyed
Nobody ever complains about what they accomplished, only about what they haven’t
Soft soled shoes somehow make cobblestones even worse
Never forget, but always forgive
Not loud, outspoken, not bossy, opinionated, not stubborn, passionate
Exhibitionism is the new modesty
I have bad thoughts, I’m assuming we all do, I love mine
I honestly believe that the things I mindlessly draw, live trapped in the pens, and I set them free
If the internet were to cease tomorrow, I’d be fine with that
I have zero irrational fears, I suppose a fear of heights would be irrational if I didn’t have a habit of falling from them, in my mind that makes them rational
It bugs me that people have so many sex hangups, personally I find watching people alone in their cars during rush hour way more disturbing than anything that can possibly be going on in their bedrooms
You never actually tame your demons it’s more a daily/weekly/monthly turning of the blind eye
Naughty is the new nice (sorry Santa)
Summer is not a gentle season
Sleep is the ultimate undervalued commodity
Tomorrow never comes, stop all the casual deferring
Don’t build a temporary house from brick when you’re surrounded by straw
If you’re ashamed of it, don’t do it online
You can wear your shame under your clothes, or wear it proudly for all to see, the latter you only have to do once, the former you do forever
I love you for your personality, all the rest is simply lust
Fact: In the old days I’d have finished at least a liter of soda by now
You can go home, assuming you kept your key
Day one, I’m already tired of wearing shoes…
I’m general skeptical, I think so at least
Today I feel like 40 feet of bad road and my voice is REALLY gravelly, so I guess I had fun last night, although I am not really sure, everything seems to be where I left it
No dish was ever ruined by the addition of cheese, I offer as proof; Apple Pie & Cheddar Cheese
A shared calendar is always a surprise
Kenny Rodgers is probably no fun to play poker with, what with all the Ôrunning away’, but maybe he’d bring chicken
Daytime TV is more mind numbing than heroin
A little indulgence never hurt anyone, a little more, perhaps
Tomato Gravy is the new red sauce
Yesterday was very much a hug-you-cat kind of day, it helps if you have a huggable cat
Never take your health for granted
I’ve officially verbed ‘kitchen table’
I woke up tired, always confusing
Listening to my recently unearthed Ôclick-wheel’ iPod, my music tastes haven’t changed much in 10 years
A friend is someone you can drink with, spoon with and check each other for ticks and it never gets weird
Why are there no Ôhot yoga and frozen yogurt’ places – the marketing practically writes itself
Our mail person is lazy regardless of the weather
Words can hurt worse than bullets
Juice apparently does a body good
Sometime soon I’m going to launch a archeological expedition into the depths of our attic, the trash collectors are going to hate that
Don’t keep what you should give away
Less is the new more
Hoarding is a communicable disease
20% of nothing is still nothing, sometimes less
Actions speak louder than your promises
I have no idea why I have 4 of something I don’t even need
I like to get dirty, no ambiguity
I’m not afraid of a hard days work, I’ve managed to avoid it, but not afraid
Occasionally I mess the kitchen up just so I can clean it again
I miss the woods, but soon enough I shall return
Generosity is the new greed
If you have extra, let it go
Sometimes moving forward involves people from your past
Time makes molehills out of slightly larger molehills
I have memories I don’t remember
I spend an inordinate amount of time in antique, junk and consignment shops, going to limit it though, I’m trying to be more thrifty now
I’d like to eliminate all the ‘I nevers’
I’m a huge proponent of the early morning nap
Better to fail spectacularly than fear succeeding
Tongue is the new handshake
It’s not a sausage fest if everyone forgets their meat
There’s no such thing as too much Mac-and-Cheese
Practice makes proficient
My cholesterol is good, but my lust is high
I prefer it neat, unless there’s ice
I don’t, but I might
Assume I’m listening, my face lies
Everyone has a twist, no exceptions
I’m not a hat person, wish I was
It’s not easy being cheesy
Goals change, priorities shift, don’t be afraid to pull the ripcord
Everything can be hanging from a thread, if you don’t pay attention you’d never know
Sometimes bliss lives in the 1000 acre woods
Your worst traits bleed into your best traits
I’m stirring a vile tasting roux
When you open your eyes after a very long nap to realize you’re not in Kansas anymore
It’s hard to stay positive when all you want to do is burn yourself down
Too hot to handle, too cold to hold…
Departure imminent, arrival irrelevant, destination unknown
Dry Erase is the new permanent marker
Not all Sams are guys, my bad
People are the cure to loneliness
Every now and then you have to throw everything out and start fresh, at least I do
Everyone needs a home, today my home is in the back near the window
Iced coffee should be the same price as hot coffee, it seldom is
I can pet you, I asked permisision
Creativity comes and goes, you need to feed it when it comes
Energy is not infinite, but despair is
I’m not responsible for the thoughts that run through my head, I am responsible if I verbalize or act upon them
I’m mangled and unbalanced Oxytocin ensconced in a sweet hazelnut nougat
Crowds are the new solitary
I’m contemplating taking my cat Maxx on morning walks, do they make a cat harness in ‘portly’?
I spent a week eating clean(ish) going on numerous walks a day and in general feeling great, trying hard to keep that going
I was out of ice this morning so I’m using whiskey stones in my ice water, it’s nice to taste undiluted water
After 3 years I finally figured out the best way to use my big Jambox, it involved reading the manual
McDonalds is not currently offering Highlander happy meals, and if they were you’d have to hurry because they’d only have one
Why is cherry so wild?, and is black cherry also wild?, is black cherry considered a minority in the cherry world? we know how people feel about tart cherry, secretly she’s my favorite
I spend half my day climbing up on a ledge, the other half enjoying the view
Somedays these notes are really easy to write
Words are the new foreplay
Just because something is obvious to you, doesn’t make it so
Sadly, It’s as easy to fall out of love, as it is in
People never fully change…ever
Vacation brain requires half the total length of the vacation to fully disengage
Some itches scream to be scratched
Responsibility starts at the door
If there was a pill to cure stupidity the FDA would probably ban it
Lazy is the newest normal
People don’t read, eventually I assume we’ll lose the ability
Generally no quantity of pictures can communicate as effectively as a few well chosen words
Compassion feels good
Everyday I get a little more annoyed that dedicated hard working people bust their ass and get zero assistance, recognition or reward
I vacillate between being able to verbalized my ideas and visualize my ideas, it kind of the universe’s cosmic little joke on me
Finally realizing I’m obsessive without being compulsive
I hate being textbook, but am in so many ways
Sleepless night spent worrying the dogs were both getting colds, this morning they appear fine, and I’m a wreck
I have a million things to do, but let’s waste half the day writing them down in contextual
order
I wear my shortcomings like jeggings
Your faith in me is appreciated but unearned
When the sign says ‘Private Road’ and it isn’t your private road, stop driving and turn around
Leftovers are the new haute cuisine
We all idle differently, so run hot, some cold, some stall
Aging only sucks if you let it
Routine is the key, I’m yet to find that particular lock
Jealousy is everywhere
I follow my bodies schedule have for years, it’s a luxury, until that involves going to bed at 2am and getting up at 5:30am then it starts to feel like a curse
Birds are asshats to each other
Cleaning up is seldom as much fun as getting dirty
it’s confirmed an orgy is minimum 5 people
Want to know why bulk-purchase items at the grocer are so expensive? next time you’re in that aisle at the grocery store count how many shoppers are chewing as they weigh their bulk purchases, delicious thievery
Why aren’t the tomatoes over between the blueberries and the raspberries?
Wiggling in the new smiling
Slow down, enjoy life
Don’t pet with one hand when you can use two
Sleep deprivation is middle-class poverty
There’s no place like home, unless you’re nomadic
Sitting between two sleeping dogs is a productivity killer, and I’m fine with that
Early mornings are the new late-night
When rain ruins your planned fun you just have to make a different kind of fun
Irony is everywhere
Two days in a row is a trend, three a routine, five a rut
With a clingy dog you need not a blanket
If you get the glass REALLY clean the birds risk concussion
Sometimes the mud isn’t mud
It’s truly the little things that smooth the edges off the day
A change of everything for even a few days, answers months worth
of questions
Home roasted coffee is the anti-Starbucks
Temporarily, wags are the new purrs
Some dogs are basically big house cats
Restlessness is a struggle
Mo money mo pillows
Our similarities highlight our differences
Thunderstorms can turn mellow into manic
Routine is the keystone upon which sleep is built
Stringbeans is yet another example of brilliance
Never underestimate the effectiveness of bribery
Here’s to hoping a little mud never killed anyone
Stringbeans are the new currency
Every night away from those you love makes your love that much stronger
Don’t not do something you want to do just because it might garnish you undesired criticism
Learn to embrace the Oxford comma, and the Yale semicolon
Invite people in
Try to be less invisible
Pizza four days in a row is not so much gluttony as it is a highly-focused eating system
Thin crust is the new kale
Every hour with you Is the best day ever
Don’t let fear keep you from trying new things
Don’t ask ‘What’s in it?’ before you taste something (excluding allergens of course)
Shut up, stop whining, pull up your pants, and DO
Awkward is the new charming
Tear down metaphoric walls
Pick one of your safe(ish) vices, and give it a day – let it go crazy, let your inner indulgences blow in the wind, but then put them away again, till the next time.
Scream from the rooftops
Define: Renapse: that period of time you fall back asleep after your alarm woke you up. Usage; I realize I’m late for the board meeting I had a two hour renapse this morning.
It probably doesn’t require a rocket scientist to build a rocket, but it might just take one to get that rocket home safely
I don’t support living moderate, I support living a bacchanalian festival, just not everyday
Occasionally begging works
Dear TV chef you’re whisking to introduce air, those eggs didn’t steal from you, give them a break
Love won’t actually Ôbring us together’ but unbridled lust most definitely will
Game, Set, ResetÉ Game Over
Sometimes it is better to not even ask
Pet Peeve #216: People who ask for your honest opinion and then argue about it
If it’s not due immediately, call me back when it is
Change is imminent
You’re the expert, teach me
Vermillion is the new umber
Sometimes a tunnel is one-way
The snake is safe, but nobody is looking for the missing camera
I’ve had enough, at least for a while
Blue has never been my favorite color or emotion
Some cats are better company than others, but when you’re sick they all get a little closer
This chicken stock tastes like dirty dishwater, I checked that’s not listed in the ingredients
Focused is the new lackadaisical
The words ‘Damn’ and ‘Wow’ mean so much more coming out of Gordon Ramsey’s mouth
Step one to becoming an artist is to stop caring if your art is popular
I have this great idea for a startup it’s basically uber meets couchsurfing whereas 2 strangers hookup in the backseat of a 3rd strangers car while that person takes the most roundabout route to a destination, I need a name, I kind of like lyftoff
Why doesn’t M&Ms sell a mixed Ms
Most solutions present themselves when you’re not thinking about the problem, so sitting and ruminating on the problem is actually counterproductive
I like to sign emails ‘cheers’ but never know how that’s received
The shoes tell the truth while the mouth lies
Self-service is the new Full-Service
Not all fears are irrational, but all irrational numbers are numbers
Every now and then you need to peer into the abyss
I’d sooner guess your weight than guess your age
Let’s play a game, I’ll silently pick a number, you’ll then try to guess it, and I’ll drink a beer and say nothing
Wow, for someone who hates clutter, I own a lot of it, I’d have a yard sale but I’m afraid I’d buy another yard
Latency is the new lethargy
Misery loves miserable company, non-miserable company annoys misery
Saran wrap is not cat friendly
How you deal with adversity defines you
I’d rather try and fail at 100 things than not try
I have no idea why love and fidelity are so rigidly connected, sadly the undoing of lots of relationships
I happily trade rampant success for simplicity and clarity, I realized 10 years ago it was a binary choice for me
Find someone(s) who makes you feel special, do your best to make them feel the same
Challenge yourself, push your boundaries, better yet, erase your boundaries
Write/Draw/Cook/Create everyday, it’s good for you
If you cook it, you eat it
Before you say no, consider all the benefits of yes
EVERYTHING is better with music
The spork is the new multi-tool
Do your best to leave people, places and things either better, or no worse than they were when you arrived
Try something new everyday
Venture outside your comfort
Go fast, take chances
Lay on your back and stare up at the stars
A friend is someone who will check for ticks
Don’t be afraid to fail, failures are the mile markers on the road to success
Platonicomedy is the new romcom
Self control? maybe later
Barter is a great form of commerce as well as a platform for communication, both parties immediately identify what value they put on the others skill/product as well as their own.
Some cats drink coffee, some drink tea
The pork is on a roll while the Feta crumbles
Without effort and compromise, inertia almost always win
IMHO without a plan or a goal, progress isn’t as rewarding
Procrastinating is the slowest form of quitting
Never skimp on; kissing, chocolate, shoes or replacement windows
You can’t put a price on happiness, but it’s certainly more than zero
AhhhÉ so I’m not entirely crazy, at least I still have something to shoot for
Foot massages are the new handshake
Women sitting near me in Starbucks felt the need to comment on the fact that I was both chewing gum and drinking coffee, I casually pointed out that I was also eating a multigrain bagel, I told her my mouth was a multi-tasker, she got up and left.
My new supermarket is a lot of fun, it’s like Walmart is hosting NYC fashion week
Humor is everywhere if you slow down and listen
My cat Leeylah gets annoyed if you halfheartedly pet her, extrapolate that to everything you do for the rest of your life
IMHO Mac and cheese is the perfect, too tired to cook meal, you can treat the orange dust like a cheesy dippinstick
I’m addicted to iced tea, you never see meetings for that, I guess they’d be held in the restroom
I understand that you’re gluten-free, what I don’t understand is why you can’t finish a sentence without mentioning it
You should just avoid food that you’ve glamorized in your memories, the reality never lives up to the memory, for me that list includes; corned beef, sweet & sour beef and hot and sour soup
Never skimp on things you enjoy
Logic and emotion are compatible, they just have to learn to give each other breathing room
Silence can get maddening
I wake up everyday with the best of intentions, somedays the couch wins though
It’s aggravating to get penalized for not reproducing
I’ve reached an understanding with the ducks I feed, I’ll continue to be generous with the frozen peas and lima beans and they’ll stop pecking me and refrain from crapping on my car
When the bell rings, answer it
Eventually Bensalem will degrade to the point where I’ll have no sentimental attachment to it, that hasn’t happened yet though
Fortune smiles on those who don’t sweat things they can’t change
If you’re insulating your house you could get a expensive thermal scan of your house to find your hot and cold zones, or you could get a cat, not as accurate but the HVAC guy probably doesn’t lay in your lap
Grapes are the new raisins
Comfort kills as many opportunities as fear
Nothing ever gets accomplished TOMORROW
Starbucks trades you a free coffee for your birthdate and an email address, I can play this game all week
Yoga pants are the new scarlet letter
Chirping birds are chirping
Seems like everyone I know runs marathons and uses Uber these days, I think these two facts are connected
What’s a little saliva amongst friends
Eight bottles of wine may look like a lot, but there was in fact eight of us
Little things mean everything
Lust is desire rolled in coconut
Contrary to what you may believe, lightning strikes the same place, frequently
I’m a sucker for bread pudding, French toast or redheads
Since getting older appears to be inevitable, I shall
I’m not gluten, lactose or sugar, free, I’m not vegan, vegetarian or paleo, I’m moderation, except for chocolate – I’m powerless around chocolate
Fifty is the new thirty two
I’m bringing sexy back
Work smart and sparingly but play hard
Fine is a four letter word
You see mistakes, scars, blemishes, I see stories that write themselves
Someday a masked man will ask you to count backwards from 10
Drawing and writing are as different as they are similar, imho, neither is particularly easy
I spend half my day talking to clients, the other half talking to my cats, I have a preference
I have a birthday coming up, no singing please, but if you must, please sing ‘Bust a Move’ by YoungMC
The smile isn’t sincere
Stuffed crust pizza is the new black-tar heroin
The way to my heart is through my feet
it may just be a number, but it’s a big number
Yesterday is tomorrow two days sooner
Reflexology makes me flinch
Now that summer is on the horizon, can’t wait for Fall, I’m seasonally undecided
All bugs are features
Creative inertia is a bitch
Favorite names for sushi; Godzilla roll, Dynamite roll, Shake, Rattle n’ roll
If you don’t like my current attitude, try back in 15 minutes
Why didn’t chim-chim die of asphyxiation?
Occasionally you have to be selfish
Given a do over, mostly minor decisions would change
I choose supple
I necked with the lamb, it was delicious
I drank your wormwood, still sane(ish)
My list is somewhat scary, getting scarier
I wasn’t ignoring you, I was picturing you on fire
Being an adult means skipping things you want to do, in order to do things you have to do, and that sucks eggs
No is a word, No is a word, No is a word (repeat as needed)
Close ear whispering is the new foreplay
Ask me again, and make me want to say yes
First Date Favorites; Car: Herbie, Soup: Pho, Herb: Basil, Guilty-Pleasure Movie: The Thomas Crowne Affair, Activity: third-date-stuff
I’m in karmic remittance
Addiction comes in all shapes and sizes, don’t assume you understand what someone’s going through
I’m pretty simple, all I need is: my phone, a sketchbook, a variety of pens, mostly microns, a lightning cable, coffee, 4x – cream and one sugar, a knit hat (if it’s under 70 degrees), a hoodie with a full pouch, socks socks socks, beef jerky, and butter and homemade bread.
I’m never bluffing
Never get in a staring match with a cigar store Indian
Personally I think speed limits are stupid
Your untitled and you’re staying that way
Annoyance is not exclusively a human emotion, I type this as an annoyed cat wonders why I’m not petting her
Commentating ruins sports even more than sports ruins sports
I’ve decided to get the word ÔNO!’ tattoo’d on the back of my left hand, at least then I’d have a constant reminder that the word exists
I read that weeknight bowling leagues are the new Ôswinging’ meeting place, like I’d jump in bed with anyone who would wear rented shoes..eww
I have an idea for a ‘Criminal Minds’ drinking game, every time they use the word Ôunsub’ you turn the TV off and go get a drink
Trust me, said no one you actually should
If you told me you were unhappy I could have done something about it, but you silence said nothing
I don’t need assistance, I’m just procrastinating for a while and later I’ll spend the day regretting it
If I didn’t beat myself up about everything what would I do with my days?
A pint of ice cream can be a single serving with the proper spoon and the right motivation
Hidden in plain sight, mocking my inability to see what’s right in front of my face
Most morning the words flow like fresh coffee, other mornings that coffee is mud
It really didn’t feel like excessive speed, it felt like justified speed
The little cups make my coffee seem huge, and my hands ginormous
Silly putty can bring a strong man to tears
At night the rules don’t apply, the dark hides a multitude of sins
Follow your arrow
I don’t think the berries like to be mixed
From order, comes french fries
I’m not ashamed to admit I have a headphone obsession, it’s gotten bad.
Ditto with pens, notebooks and seemingly bags of flour, at least I can eat those
I’m powerless and all powerful
I’m lost, and I’m found
I’m alone, and I’m surrounded by friends
When in doubt – kern it tight
Go beyond your nerve, wave to your limitations as you exceed them
What if all the mistakes, shame and regret in our lives are the building blocks for our happiness?
Sometimes a whip is required, sometimes it’s just preferred
Closed doors keep 100% of the people out, but a partially open door doesn’t
Pleasure deferred is the new instant gratification
Putting in the work, shows through the details
The fire in your eyes keeps me hungry
A moment is only fleeting if you let it fleet
If I could bottle angst and nervous energy I’d need a lot of corks
Barista Betty knows I like it black, sweet, and hot
The ducks don’t care how old the bread is
Happiness is hopefully habit forming, for some people that seems easier than for others
Monsters meet the most interesting people
I have a stupid idea, I need someone to invest stupid money
As I get older the more I can appreciate the convenience of city living, if only it could be closer to the mall
Imaging what history books would be like if Columbus, Magellan and Pizarro all had iPhones
I watch you looking at your wrist, over, and over, and over, I see your $700 Apple watch, I’m just torturing you by not acknowledging it
What if my ducks don’t want to stay in a row?, can I get them in a column?
I draw non-straight lines for a living, both literally and non-literally, I also like to abuse words
There are not enough hours in the day for an unmotivated procrastinator to catch up on Dr. Who
Nothing annoys me more than people asking what’s in something before they taste it, If I tell you it has arsenic in it BEFORE you taste it it will totally ruin the surprise
I have Silly Putty on my desk as encouragement, most days it wins
I envy any artist that can actually chase their fire, day to day that must be amazingly rewarding
There is no bottom, we just keep digging further down
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to build a rocket, but it does takes one to get that rocket off the ground
For a flagging service, your service is, well, flagging
Cow siesta time seems to be 1:19pm
Foods I have zero willpower around:
- Salt & Pepper Squid (I actually have a favorite place for this, but it’s kind of a schlep)
- Hard Pretzels (have to blame Randall for this one)
- Cashews (damn their fatty goodness)
- Quality Ice Cream (I’ll include B&J’s in that category)
- Swedish Fish (Keeping those Swedish fisherman in business)
- Black Licorice ANYTHING (excluding Good & Plenty, which I can only enjoy in small quantities)
- French Fries and/or Hashbrowns
- Garlicy Guacamole and/or Spicy Salsa
- The Veggie Burger at National Mechanics
- Wings at Eulogy (of which one drunk night I ate $50.00 worth)
- Chocolate (yes that’s intentionally broad)
- Buttered Popcorn with Truffle Salt (not butter flavored, not a weird flavor, quality matters on this one)
- Did I mention I love wings?
- Those toxic chips they have on the tables at somewhat-clean Chinese restaurants and the nasty mustard
- Fresh Roasted jalapeños (so delicious)
Bonus Drinks I have zero willpower around:
- A well made G&T is a beautiful thing (sadly most bartenders fail at the simple stuff)
- A Black and White Milkshake (especially with fries)
- Whatever is on tap if the bartender is adorable
You want to believe that the person you have helping you has your best interest in mind, but so very often you’re wearing that belief inside out
Sometimes (especially in Tennessee) there is actually no room at the inn
The only thing better than a fresh, just made, hot out of the oven, buttermilk biscuit, is two
The view of the water might makes the shagadelic decor tolerable
Mutual appreciation is the key to being in the moment
Great ice cream is 100% about the texture, and 200% about the flavor
Beauty is internal, if your ugly inside, it takes a lot of product to keep the ugly from seeping through to the outside
Homesick is a thing, It takes me about 2 days to start missing my bubble
Not all hotel wifi is equal, but sometimesI get amazingly lucky, beds, that’s another story entirely
Sometimes wine stores are next door to gun ranges
Honesty is the best policy unless you’re playing liars poker
Hotel call centers try REAL HARD to not sound like they’re in India, but IMHO they fail spectacularly
The ride home always feels twice as long
The first rule of Karma is not to talk about Karma
Some exits have no attractions
You’re paying double for the mice
Sometimes Korean food is the only food you need
Passengering is serious business
Pizza flavored goldfish aren’t
Suddenly police cars appear
Boom goes the dynamite
All roads appear to lead to Dollywood
Southern hospitality ends at the threshold of the Super 8
Rain washes away all forms of regret
In Tennessee you can buy both fireworks & moonshine roadside
Unless you try it, you’ll never actually know if you like it
It’s my job to look for smokey
The journey isn’t always enjoyable
Being supportive means doing things you don’t actually want to do
Small-talk can get tedious
I think we can all agree GPS has saved more marriages than Viagra
Cycles cycle
The fruit that comes in yogurt is a pale comparison to real fruit, it’s closer to jelly, which is sad
Joy can be an elusive bitch
I wish I may I wish I might…
I really want a churro
It’s not just butterflies that like to be free
A duvet cover is redundant
Portuguese wives have busy mornings
Eggs are elusive, regardless of your faith
Never underestimate what can go wrong with a simple recipe
Perfect is a reasonable goal
Kittens are awwwww inspiring
Somewhere a guitar is missing a ‘G’ string
The glaze makes the flavor-saver glisten
Pajamas can be work clothes
Wardrobe enthusiasm is mandatory
French toast casserole is the new bread pudding
The closer you get to the food, the hotter you gets
I love listening to people talk while they shop, I listened to two women discuss Accent seasoning – claiming that it was a chemical additive, and that they were both (amazingly) allergic to it, but in their carts were tomatoes, steak, mushrooms and strawberry quik (mmm, that sounds good)
Anyone who thinks that anything they do online is 100% safe or private, needs to rethink what they do online
I’ll have no issues sitting at a table near the kitchen if you have no issues me going in and preparing my own food
The best thing about working alone is the silence, strangely that’s also the worst
First Date Favorites; Traditional Cartoon Character: Daffy Duck, Superhero: Gleek (Zan & Jayna’s Monkey), Newish Cartoon Character: Pinky
I’m not sure if I love black licorice because I love black licorice, or because by eating it there’s a statistical likelihood that I won’t have to share it
I never met leftovers I didn’t like
Anything worth doing is worth understanding fully
If you feel no guilt in not paying me in a timely manner, I feel no guilt in turning off your services with minimal warning
Whipped in the new beaten
Maybe because I’m a movie buff, maybe because I live N.J. adjacent, the phrases ‘a friend of ours’ and ‘we have mutual interests’ always makes me wonder if I’m about to be wacked
There’s no such thing as ‘too much rice’
I identify with Toto
Restaurants frown on patrons bringing their own bread
Being in the weeds sucks, unless you’re an arborist
I have a grade school sense of humor wrapped in a ivy-league vocabulary
According to Sting you can turn a murder into art, I wonder who he killed?
Generalizing makes everyone sound stupid
I offered a Swedish fish to Maxx, not impressed, he also thinks Swedish fisherman have very easy jobs, and a strong inclination towards obesity, which is dangerous, if not deadly, yet the Discovery channel has, as of yet, ignored them, Maxx is a thinker.
Sometimes I say yes when I probably should say nothing
I’ll actually take extras on; gluten, msg and the rubella vaccine
That extra hour of sleep you get after your snoozes stop, that’s the forbidden sleep, and it is delicious
I want to kiss that beer off your lips not really as a sign of affection or desire, my glass is just empty
Quality matters when discussing olive oil, bread, fountain pens and chocolate
I’m a fan of Granny Smith
I’m skeptical of any artists who fills their walls with their own art
If elected I shall drink all the wine both foreign and domestic
A smile goes a long way, but a thank you and a generous tip goes further
More people than I realize actually read these notes, you’re welcome to share them, encourage people to follow and friend me, all friends start out as strangers
Everyday starts out with a walk through the darkness
Desire is lust enrobed in something sweet and sticky
Somewhere there’s a cowboy who’s informing someone that ‘this is actually my first rodeo’
Not ever day is a winner
The nice thing about a tunnel… No rain
Now there’s something you don’t see everyday – a bride in a gown, walking her dog
Seems I like a dinner jacket
I’m standing squarely in harms’ way
I’m infatuated with the greenest of goddesses
You can in fact put a price on a good-time
You can look at too many paintings, think I’m done for the year
Happy birthday mother…
95% of the time the motivation is money, sex or power
You can have that seat, but you’ll only need the edge
Rich people are quirky, and pocket exclusionists
Charging me 22 dollars a glass for Prosecco doesn’t make me not want to abscond with your fancy silverware
Shopping governor engaged, all systems are green
Maxx I don’t really understand what it is that you want
For a month before my scheduled colonoscopy I’m eating nothing but red beets and cherry jello, If I’m going to pay for it, and suffer through it, I want it memorable
Shopping is my side slice, and I’m giving her all my love
I love pizza and I like pie, I have a hard time referring to them as pizza pies though
My charm is hooked to a clapper
We had a multi-legged insect in the hallway that I have on good authority tasted like chicken
First Date Confessions; Weakness: Smart Dark haired girls with dirty mouths
Nowhere to go but up
I have to believe tomorrow is going to be better than today
Productivity is overrated and effective multitasking is a myth
I’m pretty sure it’s the uncertainty that kills me
the time between some weeks feels like months
At least if I had a butler I’d have coffee right now
Random Famous People I respect; Margaret Cho, Teller, David Chang, Nina Hartley, Pablo Picasso, Ogden Nash
I feel nothing and everything but mostly nothing, but all of it
My brain has one of those zip-cords like 1970s Kenner SSP Dragsters, I just misplaced the zip-cord
I prefer my fries waffle, shoestring, or curly, never crinkle cut, and if you’re going to serve me steak fries, there best also be steak (medium rare please)
Actually the rhythm isn’t getting me
There are going to be days when nothing your going to do are going to make me smile, those are the days I need you the most
That’s a mountain I probably won’t climb
Creativity is a fickle bitch
Quiet is on constant repeat in my head
You are one of the few things in my life I haven’t come to regret
I love that we can laugh hysterically about nothing
If I’d realized I was going to live through the 80s, I would have taken better care of myself
I’m not driving the car, which is fine, it’s driving itself
I mix my metaphors like I mix my drinks, a hard shake
Everyone is creative and funny until their families, the educational system, and society, squash the joy
Perhaps the two lessons schools should be teaching are the differences between infamous, and famous, and that the internet isn’t real life even though at time it seems it is.
Summer can’t get here soon enough, I’m cold
I think I want to go to burning man next year, it sounds sooo warm
Bread is as much fun to make, as it is to eat
You’d hate a mile in my shoes, you’ll feel every bump, stumble on every crack
Coffee is a cream delivery system, much like pretzels are a method to eat mustard without looking foolish
I’m compulsive without being obsessive
Good software is exceedingly rare, and what makes it good is what it doesn’t do as much as what it does do
People spend entirely too much time defining sexuality, I think those are the same people who are lying about their own
Some non-chocolate eggs are albino
The only place you can get to by yourself is nowhere you want to be
Moderation is an option when excessiveness fails you
Simple math is worth triple checking
Why are we teaching calculus before we teach how to balance a checkbook, or how to make yourself a healthy breakfast
People need to learn to be open about what makes them weird
Dark glasses and headphones don’t deter Gap salespeople, most other sales people get the message
I love that the Starbuck barista blushes when I ask her to leave room in my coffee for a fist of cream
Experimentation is about failure, you don’t learn from success
Having people is the key, took me 3 decades to realize that
You can’t enjoy the ups without suffering the downs, it’s just the way it is
The ride, ends, have your return ticket ready
laughter, hops, filtered water and a quality nosh
It may be ugly, but it tastes good
Playing a lying game with your spouse of nearly 30 years and completely fooling each other every round, hilarious
Really? no eating in the car? How long do you honestly expect that to last
I didn’t say I didn’t like the blouse, I said I think it’s designed to be worn over something, personally that makes me like it more
First Date Favorites; Soup: Beef Pho, Appetizers: Pigs in a Blanket, Salad: Chicken Caesar (with anchovies), Mortal Kombat Combatant: Sonya Blade
I’d rather be warm than safe
It’s not in my ability to ignore something that’s bothering me
Anytime, Anywhere that’s where I’ll meet you, ( 1942 in war-ton Morocco, pour me a drink, I’ll be there )
I’m not afraid of anything but losing you, that terrifies me
Happy Easter
- I like peanut butter eggs, I’m not sure what lays them
- You can’t sneak up on the Easter bunny because he ears you coming
- Peeps are better stale
- True Peeps are yellow, all the other peeps, posers, yes I’m a peep racist
- It’s baffling that the smart people at Reece’s don’t realize that all the other sized ‘Peanut Butter Cups’ taste nothing like the full sized ones
- The only TRUE way to eat peanut butter (or Nutella) is with a spoon (or your fingers if you’ve washed your hands), hiding
- Jelly beans do not sprout into jelly trees
If compensation for pain and suffering is real, to whom do I talk to about the time I spent watching CSI Cyber
The flesh is weak
Decadence is the new conservative
Loud is just a whisper with feeling
I find you fascinating and would love to (socially acceptable verb here) you
Never stray from what makes you happy
You have the hips of a temptress, the eyes of a sorceress, and the mouth of a sailor on shore leave
I know it’s only 8 am and too early for a drink drink, but it’s okay… this also has coffee in it
We share the beach, with our eyes closed, and our brains open
Today my safe word is please don’t
From up here, you totally can see how crazy I actually am, how the hell are we getting down?
Let’s start with dessert and then see if we’re actually interested in dinner
You know you have a problem when your dry cleaner asks you about 6 separate stains and the answer to each is cheese
There’s always a drink for the third musketeer
It’s you that winds me up, lets me go, spin and stumble to and fro, up the incline, down into supine, only to realize, that you’re enjoying my undoing
Those who live in glass bake shops shouldn’t throw scones
The answer is always yes, unless you give me a reason to no you
I’m not influenced by what people do, I’m inspired by the grace with which the do it
My church has stools
I can spend hours hiding in your hug, inhaling your spice and quietly basking in the rhythmic timpani that is your soundtrack
Confidence comes from knowing that your friends will help you achieve all your goals
By all accounts the man fleeing the heist at the prosthetic store was unarmed
Sometimes the subtext is too subtle
Coffee is magic
Wow, the horse I rode in on gets a lot of action
I’m positive that my spirit animal is a kangaroo
Sometimes the love boat is full of sushi
On some projects you pull your belt tighter and lay back and reconsider paint options for the ceiling
You’d think after 7 movies they’d be slightly less furious
Is it weird that whenever I see pandas I think of the Brady Bunch cartoon
Not a fan of moist handshakes
NYC gets the salt right, but the rest of their pretzel is wrong
Refills with cleavage, sarcasm and a filthy smile is the reason I love this Starbucks on Thursdays
I make no excuses, I make minimal apologies, I own my mistakesÉyou should try it
I’m sure your mother warned you about people like me
It was a simple deal, candy, for a ride in a van who doesn’t want to eat candy while taking a ride?
trendy thirty somethings will wait forever for the opportunity to be trendy
free chocolate is the best chocolate
east and west is the new dyslexia
some names are harder to drop than others, said names can never be picked-up again
TMI is not actually too-much at 3am
YES it’s far, but they’re city miles not suburb miles
deal with it, you’re not even the seventh smartest person in this room
ramen is more trendy than boobs
Asian wives read American fashion mags like Latin wives read US weekly, enthralled
Adidas track suits are the new uniform for 30s something’s ballers
pho refills is a thing, and it needs to be widespread, truth be told it might have been because I was the quiet white guy dining alone
typing code while watching someone code and listening to the talk about code is a learned and practiced skill
being asked ‘do you read Japanese’ five times in an hour was perhaps the highlight of my trip, considering the magazines I was looking at were Korean.
shoe choice is mission critical
kindness exists in urban centers, it’s just harder to find
nothing exists but our history, that that’s past and that not yet written
togetherness can be exhausting
focus on the journey and not the destination
why isn’t winter over yet?
I want a sandwich as big as my head, and I guess also a knife and fork
of course I want sprinkles, does anyone ever not want sprinkles?
solve the immediate problem, then circle back to solve the problems the solution causes
Clarity comes from talking it out, laughing out loud, chatting aimlessly
Pushed up, emotionally twisted and pulled over
I love to travel, I hate to travel
I did pack my own bags, but I have no idea what’s in my pockets, these might not even be my pants
The menu said nothing about drizzle, and not that I’ve seen my chicken with a white drizzle, I want the beef, sans drizzle
For good customers the sky’s is the limit, for bad customers, crickets
Drawing is better than not drawing, baking is sometimes better than drawing and eating warm bread is better than baking
Shopping is my heroin
My goal is to not set goals
Splash in a puddle, be a mermaid, walk through the rain in a suede jacket, go wading with your loafers, loaf around in your waders
Sin is in, there will be a memo slipped into your inbox
Pink is the new lavender, which was the new vermilion, which continues to be the new cerulean, which is still very much in style
The road to happiness is fraught with temptations, it’s up to you to succumb to the ones that make you squeal
Don’t assume that just because someone appears happy and lighthearted that they don’t have serious daily challenges
Self worth should be calculated by the number of people in your personal world and not by the labels on your clothes
Memories are mercury
We wear the worst of ourselves like armor
Sometimes simulated life is far more captivating than the real thing
Bread supposedly comes in a plain flavor
Barking dogs are secret kissers
I love that mortified look children get when their parents embarrass them, that look is purely honest
I ate a slice of pizza yesterday that was sold as Ôlike eating two slices at the same time’, I’m still full, so I believe it
I had no idea my pelvis had a floor, I wonder if it’s carpeted?, wait and girls have a vault? what’s in it?
Keep going, don’t stop, it gets easier, day by day
Often it’s the happiest among us that are in the most pain
Patience and practice that’s how you make bread
If it washes off, it’s harmless
I can sit still for anything but restraint
First Date Fact: I prefer a slap to a tickle
As far as I’m concerned a pint of ice cream and a movie theater package of Twizzlers are a single serving
My prince charming is a dark-haired girl with a dirty-mind
I don’t have a jealous bone in my body, I keep those elsewhere
Laughter is the best antidepressant
You can’t buy my loyalty, but we can negotiate a lease
Your pajamas tell a story about the real you
It’s important to know what really bothers you, personally I can’t sleep knowing there are dirty dishes in my sink, what’s yours?
First Date Favorites; Diner Meal: grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, french fries with brown gravy and a black and white milkshake
Confession: I strongly dislike mashed potatoes
It’s not a real road trip until I have a honey-bun (and yes I know it’s toxic)
I like the way you flip my pancake
If I taught grade school math everyday would be a field trip to the supermarket, that’s where all the relevant (and manipulative) math is happening
I’m beginning to realize nothing on TV is worth watching, can I get a refund?
Skills that I (might) still have, I never use: Throwing an inside out curve with a Wiffle ball, Drawing with my feet
Avoid convenience, embrace the craft of doing it yourself
Effort is rewarded
The way to a woman’s heart is her feet
Lust comes in many flavors, everything from blue to pink
I don’t think any of the seven sins are particularly deadly
Not everyone can convincingly wear sparkles
Enchiladas must be Spanish for ‘highly addictive’
You may also eat with your eyes, but it’s my mouth that has all the fun
Spicy chocolate cookies are the new ‘nilla wafers
Eventually every evening gets to the point were the lady folks start comparing boobs
Unlucky at cards… there’s no more to this one, some people just are unlucky at cards
Sangria is practically health food
Some hostesses have the mostesses
Thermally we’re perfectly compatible with each other
Everything is better, more fun, more satisfying smothered in queso
The smaller the room, the more concentrated the fun
Guacamole is the mortar of life
Civilized cats live in civilized houses
Sometimes good things result from tragic events, concentrate of the result
Vigorously Shaken not stirred, if for no other reason, much more fun to watch
Sometimes my brain is non-cooperative
I’m both sides of every coin
Just once I’d like the Coyote to win
If I were to win the lottery tomorrow, aside from paying off some loved ones mortgages and donating to a few favorite causes, not sure I’d change much of anything, I’m happy, why screw with that..
Your love and support ensconces me like a blanket fresh out of the dryer
Secret to everything: Be yourself, even if you annoy everyone around you, eventually that becomes endearing
First Date Favorites; Ice Cream: Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk, Movie Theater Candy: Chocolate Nonpareil poured into Buttered popcorn (bring napkins), Diner Indulgence: French Onion Soup
Greatest change in my life: learning that the stuff I can’t control, isn’t worth getting wound up about
I’d rather spend time dryer, I always find the washer agitating
Actions go places while intentions are makes plans
Listening is a lost art
Favors don’t require reciprocity
The key to a happy future is learning to let the past go
Plans fail, professionals plan for that
Don’t poke the bear holding the pointy stick
Surround yourself with positivity you love
Drive safe, sleep well, don’t hesitate to hug
Flexibility is the key to enjoyment
Infuriates me that we live in a world where our criminals are
provided meals, healthcare and shelter and our law-aiding
citizens struggle with acquiring all three
Gatorade tastes like hell, until you need it
The key to accomplishment is repetition
Rye toast and concord grape jelly, that’s my jam
Trust is the key to mutual satisfaction
Salted Caramel is the new a la mode
There’s nothing sadder than realizing you can’t remember details about a loved one who’s passed
Habits are habit forming
Take a minute, pet the cat
Try snacking from the produce department, avoid the center of the store entirely
I failed Brain chemistry, there was no remedial class
Traveling ducks deprive me of sleep
Verbal swordplay is my Olympic sport
Shopping is my drug of choice, malls are my church
Sometimes I’m Mason sometimes I’m Dixon, I cross a lot of lines
If the only question you have is ‘What’s wrong?’ don’t ask it
Broken is the new deconstructed
My lust is currently on a sabbatical
I’ve spilled my beer and cried about it
It’s possible to be miserable while amidst a sea of happy
I don’t ride the brake, I let gravity make my jelly roll
I really want a triple Americano with half whole milk and half half and half, but mostly because I like ordering half half and half
I’m not a cowboy
Handfuls of headaches, pockets full of posies…
I’m an inside out-trovert
Companionship isn’t a commodity to be negotiated
Some wings just don’t fly
Until you’re the luckiest guy in the room, you just never appreciate it
I guess he liked it
On the worst of days, happiness can be delivered on a sheet pan
Awkward silences, hand games and finger foods are a recipe for laughter
Sometimes the last swallow of beer isn’t your, but you drink it anyhow
I mix drinks, and metaphors
Friends fear not cooties (I’ve had the shot)
It’s not the wand, it’s the wizard
People are like onions, layered and sometimes fried
I commit quick, fight furiously, and never surrender
Permanently and forever UYI (under your influence)
My brain is stuck on Spin Cycle
Eye contact and silence are the new foreplay
Your body is my directory assistance
Engage mouth only after suitable use of ears
Nodding while on the phone is pointless, but saying ‘I’m nodding is equally pointless’
Sleep is where dreams come true
Finicky cats secretly speak in Morris code
I know that you can accomplish anything you set your mind on, it’s fun to watch
Body confidence is the new haute
Between happiness and miserable lies scotch
I’d give anything to be able to know what my cats are thinking just for a day, it would clear up a million mysteries
Some nights I want to use the spare pillow to smother myself, luckily the cats claim all the spare pillows before I can do that
Hugs not bugs
Now is not the time to doubt yourself, that time was never
Why no smell-o-vision?
Your eyes give me away
Why is that comma so possessive
I’m sorry I’m totally judging your restaurant by your hostess
Friends listenÉ and pay for the next round
Trust is a six letter word
Somedays our goals exceed our gumption
Lunch thoughts: Great burger, good pickles, so-so fries, all made better by a chatty bartender
My allegiance is not conditional, but my excitement is for sale
Sometimes sleep is impossible
The process of wasting time looking at productivity software so you don’t continue waste time, that’s so me
I’m the Sharpiest pen in the pen drawer
I’m in the mood for noodles, not just today, that’s a general statement
Skimp on everything but; shoes, bras, beer and chocolate
Rather than spending a lifetime chasing an unobtainable perfection, learn to kiss really well, the rest kind of works itself out
Learn to find the beauty in everyone, the value in everything, and the quiet among the noise
Rather than being critical, be helpful
Why don’t doctors prescribe “3 hugs a day” seems to me that works wonders for a variety of ailments
Slow and steady, that’s the way you build a house of cards
I got a purim gift yesterday, without that, I’d have no idea it was purim
There should be a sign in every tattoo parlor reminding people that skin ages but a bad decision is eternal
Don’t complain about something unless you’re willing to do something about it
The only thing that should be wrapped around a pizza crust is the person eating it
Next time you order a drink in a bar, just for grins ask the bartender ‘is this the best kind of ice for this drink?’ see what they say
Just because I’m not looking at you while you’re talking to me doesn’t mean I don’t care what you’re saying, it might mean you have spinach in your teeth
I saw someone take a bag of apples back to the market, her complaint ‘These just don’t taste appley enough’, it’s NEVER occurred to me to do this; using that approach;
‘I’d like to return this half eaten hoho, it wasn’t as ho(ish?) as the first half’,
‘I’d like to return this cooking spray, I actually DO believe it’s not butter’
Never stop failing
Make a list, do it in ink
Pour yourself a big glass of happiness, make mine a double
Obsessions are contagious
Stop complaining about things you can’t control
Let it ride, Press it, Go all in
Be Spicy
Chocolate generally helps
Brunettes are still the new sexy
Casual confidence is always in style
Every now and then a watched pot will boil, but only while you’re on the phone
Be the water… skip the rock
That spot where your neck becomes your shoulder…mmmm, I love that spot
Dip, dip, squeeze… And that’s how you make tea!
Chipping away at the little things, that’s how you move mountains
Obsession isn’t sexy
If all you have is peanut butter, bread becomes a commodity
Disco is the new tai chi
Mindful absence is the goal, most days I’m just tardy, perhaps I’m mindfully truant
No shirt, no shoes, no patchouli
When in doubt, promise nothing
Pay your contractors early and reap the karma
Don’t pet the cat / dog / goat WHILE you do something else, let the petting be the thing you’re doing
Shut-up about your arteries and butter – smear some butter on it and live in the moment, you can worry about your arteries when you’re alone and not eating fresh bread.
Jump in a puddle, dance in your underwear, go out commando, dye your hair pink, wear sunglasses at night
Amidst the havoc, carve out 90 minutes for pleasure
There is nothing as exciting and as terrifying as a blank page
People blindly believe statistics even though most don’t understand how malleable data is
I try not to eat at restaurants with more than 2 types of condiments on the tables
Anything worth doing is worth doing until you’re good at it, or at least sweaty
Simple isn’t
105% of people who say they’re looking for the best answer, actually mean they’re looking for a typical answer, that’s also within their truncated budget
The same 105% isn’t willing to risk their job/reputation/free-time to actual achieve anything approaching quality
Stop trying to answer old questions with new answers, and start questioning the questions themselves
I’m not a hat person but I own a ton of unworn hats, my wife on the other hand can make a tinfoil fez look stylish
My cats dig broth
Everything in fact doesn’t actually happens for a reason, stop waiting!
Learn to enjoy being alone, it’s an excellent and often overlooked skill to master
Embrace boredom, your brain uses boredom as an opportunity to create awesome
Potlucks without themes are my kryptonite
At some point dodging bullets becomes tiresome
Friends care, best friends care more than you yourself care
Dogs dry at a different rate than cloth, a wet dog can stay wet long enough to make every other stainable surface equally wet
Swiss movements are only slightly accurate, hunger is highly accurate, a dogs stomach is the swissest
I made the assumption reading was an option, I was promptly and repeatedly corrected
The throw this, why’d you throw that game never gets old
We’re all confused what to call the sunroom when it’s raining, we’ve all agreed that room is the Tardis at night
Jungle cat cares not that it’s raining
So now cholesterol is a thing, screw that I’m going back to living on coffee, honeybuns and casual sex
Houseplants clearly have a fataoh towards me
All I need is one great dish that my mouth, my brain, my stomach, and my doctor all agree that I can eat every meal, then I’m good
Rain washes away the fun
Old resturaunts serve the freshest food
My current list of people I’d like to nap arm in arm with is currently idling at four, but perhaps it’s because I’m currently sharing (use of this word is laughable) a bed with a 85 pound dog
I’m okay borrowing someone’s outerwear but you learn very quickly the pockets are not yours
Creativity is the new solitary
When the going gets tough, take a break to make sure you still want to go where you’re headed, go smart and hard
Nothing worthwhile is without some challenges
Make sure everything that should be in the box, is
Creativity is a journey not a destination
Live life loud, so they can hear you in the cheap seats
I wear my inner-child as outerwear
I like my pizza crust to be pizza crust flavored
After several drinks my privates have a tendency to become public
Life becomes simpler when you learn not to care what other people think
It’s very difficult to love other people, when you hate yourself
Just because you have a rabbit in your hat, that doesn’t make you a magician
I wallow in my quirks, jump in we can wallow together
Ideas for New Words:
- Catsec: the period of time between the food hitting the floor and the dog(s)/cat(s) show up to investigate, it’s the smallest unit of time in the universe
- Stavings: the end result of stacking coupon codes to bring an items sale price down e.g. That death ray was $75.00 but I staved (past-tense) $50.00 after googling 50 separate one dollar coupon codes
Fact: Sometimes when I’m bored I make up words
After you’ve pushed everyone else away, there’s no one left to blame.
Sometime introspection gets morose, dig deeper
Get some dim sum
Love comes in quart containers with cilantro leaves, bean sprouts and lime
Being sick makes you appreciate breathing and swallowing
I desperately want to lay on the couch with you and watch horrible movies
Squats hurt butt
The threat of rain is generally more disruptive than actual rain
15 dollars well spent on dog toys will save you a lot of late-night drama
Cream cheese is a gateway cheese
You never know if you’re hooked on something until you stop
The Internet never forgets
Dogs are 75% pee and saliva
I watch tv late at night, but I don’t watch late night tv
The first step to being ‘in’ a room, confidence
People who aren’t shy, don’t understand shy
I couldn’t get assistance in an Apple Store if I doused myself in gasoline and asked Siri to light a match
Just because an idea has already been done doesn’t mean doing it better is a waste of time, there’s always a market for better
Fireproof is the new unburnable
Sometimes everything that was wrong with you makes perfect sense when you look back at where you started
Cars don’t have rearview mirrors so you can drive in the past
Nothing worth doing is easy the first time
Gross is all a matter of scale
Clarity is something that until you have it, you never knew you were missing
People often confuse flexibility for freedom
It’s helpful if you control both ends of the rope
If you never put yourself out there, you never
Knowing you’re alone, and being alone are two entirely different things
Coffee and a brisk walk, even in the rain, excellent way to start your morning
Dog tug-of-war is an actual war albeit a reluctant one
If you start with stable, what follows is easier
Doing nothing gets you nowhere
Maybe it’s what you’re eating?
Something is the new nothing
I used to want a Viking funeral, now I also was a Viking stove… At least I’m consistent
The easiest way to lose my respect is to tell me a poorly crafted lie, if your gonna do it, do it well
Supposedly you can layer Spanx, but you need the assistance of unskilled labor
I have an issue with forgiveness, it’s a skill I’ve never actually mastered, I have a bookcase full of grudges
It’s the switches that seemingly do nothing that you need to be wary of
I write everything down in invisible ink
5:30 comes earlier every morning
I miss movies that were actually funny and under two hours
A level is a tool and an action you do with the tool
I know I can ask for a cheesesteak wit, but can I ask for it without the roll?
Pineapple is the armadillo of the fruit world
A sleeping pet on your lap works better than any antidepressant or sleeping pill
Effort is the new talent
Most days I’m inside out
You know you spend a lot of time in someone else’s house when you have three apps on your phone that control systems you don’t own
Dog elbows and human crotches are not compatible
Lying for the right reason still feels like lying
I’d rather climb 3 steep hills than go down 1
The more I use Comcast & FIOS TV interfaces, the more I like my antiquated Tivos
That triangle is killing us, I blame the Egyptians
I’m tired of all the stupidity
Unseasoned is the new bland
Repetition is the key
A dog a cat and a deacon walk into a bar…
If you don’t need it, give it to someone who does
Coffee is motivation enough, at least until 11am
Twenty minutes is enough for a quick sketch, but if it doesn’t resemble what you want in the first five minutes, the last fifteen is a waste of time
There may be 98 screens of gray, but I only need 5
Old habits actually should die, regardless of hardness
Morning brain is eclectic
Heavy cream makes most things better
I married my co-conspirator
Winter is the new complaint
Sometimes science is cruel, but you can’t fault science, just ignorance of science
Taste it, just once, if you don’t like it, never again..
Something about driving brings out the stupid in people
Mornings burn bright and fast
What if cartoons have been lying to use for decades
Live your life by the numbers, math helps most things
When I’m bored I test drive used muscle cars
I hate diced tomato, but love sliced tomato, I’m weird like that
Spicy food is seldom spicy enough, until it is
Secrets are better when you can share them with a confidant
Fat is the new white bread
Not all unbreaded chicken is
Love comes with a tail
Temptation comes walking in as a redhead
Fresh air is not a subsidized drug
I’m not sure when communication became a lost art, but it’s very sad
If people wore their sins like merit badges, people would be more honest in their lives
Nothing convenient is seldom the best choice
Hard work is meaningless if you don’t enjoy the free time
I’m not into candles, but I would love a candle that legitimately smells like a campfire, baking chocolate cookies, and a thunderstorm
I’m due for a really substantial possession purge, starting with everything
Clutter makes me crazy
Saliva is the new Prozac
Your faults are what I love, perfection bores me
You can only plan for so long, at some point you have to do
If you’ve never gotten your hands dirty you have no business directing those of us into it up to our elbows
I’m seldom speechless, but in general I’m very quiet, unless I’m awake
My ace in the hole is an extra ace
Supposedly we all have a Doppelganger, I want to meet mine and recreate the beginning of the Patty Duke show
Notes are the glue that bind my scrapple with my eggs
I bought all the Trenton Pork Roll, and it is glorious, we cut it with ingenuity
I am an expert at emotional origami
Sometimes your neighbors trim their bushes into sad shapes
I have winter clothes, a change of shoes, snack and 3 blankets in the back of my car, I’m considering putting it on Airbnb
Quality time is the new profit margin
The gift of gab is a gift that you can’t give back
Sometimes streets are full of man sized holes
Cilantro salad is actually better than cilantro alone
Lunch with a friend is always tastier than lunch alone
Nothing is everything in an empty box
A little pork roll is delicious, lots of pork roll, even better..
A tiny splinter can ruin a otherwise great day
Persistent cat love can cause you to lose sleep
Convenience is the first step to slothyness
Discussing getting a dog with the cats, current vote 3 nah, 2 yea
Humor is the new aphrodisiac
My totems are not evenly spaced
Today is the day, tomorrow is also the day
Splinters suck, seriously
A laptop, wifi, and a plan, that all it takes to rule the world
Triple caffeinated coffee is a good way to tackle the day
I seem to attract cats, they know
Sometime my mouth is only vaguely associated with my brain
Sometimes the ink is too thin
Starbucks carries HWC and it helps their generally harsh coffee
I violate the drifting rules, not because I have too, just because I can
My elevator pitch starts with ÔBrace Yourself’
Some errors are difficult to fix, some are just annoying
Plans are the new wanderlust
Many real world problems require both brains AND brawn
Sometimes starting with the big hammer will save you a lot of time
It’s easier to swim with the current, but you end up the exact same place as all those other swimmers
Nothing easy is simple
Dedication to a craft takes both
I’m Pretty sure if everyone was accountable for their actions the world would be a far better place
I’m still confused by criss-cross applesauce
Understanding emotional trauma takes a long time, patience, openness
I don’t believe in hobbies so much as I believe in distraction
If I were to win millions of dollars my life wouldn’t likely change very much, but my cats would all be ballers
A one day a week intern would be a lovely thing, except that I hate people at least one day a week and I don’t want to traumatize a young mind
Body language is the new disclosure
Karma has a host of sharp edges, there will be blood
Wings are a food group unto themselves
TV novella writing is the lowest form of writing right below fortune cookie fortunes and penny shopper horoscopes
Give me a corner, a legal pad and a Uniball pen and I’m generally happy
I’m 75% crazy, 95% impulsive, 105% over-caffinated, 200% serious
I promised Maxx that he’d get to ride a horse, sometimes when I’m relaxed I say stupid things
Plans are made to be un-broken
Unless you understand me you never will
Manic is full throttle forward into a brick wall
Garfield is right, Mondays suck
Why don’t they sell flavored envelopes and stamps?
Hackneyed is the new old
Some decisions can’t be undone, don’t obsess over them
Back pain is the sand in the lubricant
Jello really does make everything slightly better
Fat is good, eat it, skip the sweets
I can’t help what my eyes do when I meet you
Distraction is the cousin of inspiration
Some days are enrobed in darkness
My favorite thing is to eavesdrop, I’m really good at it, and I know it’s rude
My house is always dressed up for Halloween
My back feels like an poorly shuffled deck of cards, I like that metaphor better than the typical jelly doughnut reference
I shop better than most people, it’s my sport, I’m an all-star, there are no PlayStation games for my sport
Theoretically I like minimalism, anyone who’s ever been in my house knows I don’t actually practice it
What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
Some people default to happy and driven, I default to lusty and tired
Stupid things amuse me, like the concept of Kindle Kardashian she has all the books, but she can’t read them
Smooth jazz is the new warm milk
Checked with Santa, still naughty, but less naughty than previous years, just naughty enough
Everything in life comes down to mis en place
Trudi knows, but she’s not telling
Sometimes you have to stand up to message the sacrum
Some people are drunk with the quiz-master power
When you walk into a bar already dizzy, you drink sparingly
It’s never easy being cheesy
Some things are oversized and stabby, those are things that I try to stay away from
3 hours of procrastination a day is the prescription
Careless lust starts when thinking subsides
Although I love the song, I’m not sure what Pillow Brain is and it’s driving me crazy
Saxophone is the new cowbell
Unless you’re a DJ spending the day spinning isn’t much fun
I hate wrapping gifts, hate with a fiery passion
Nut flavored coffee sounds gross, I can see why that name never took off, thank you hazelnut
It is actually possible to be busy and bored at the same time
Some people are tidy hoarders, that’s the song Elton John never sings
Hating my body lately, I’m a never ending mix of dizzy and overheated or achy and cold, the fact that it’s 107¡ in December isn’t helping matters much
Sometimes you need to pushed towards the precipice to appreciate the view
Rather than do the wrong thing for the right reason, sometimes it’s just fun to be bad for purely selfish reasons
I checked, there is actually NO rest for the wicked, it’s just a party 24/7, but it’s a sausagefest
All my best ideas run faster than me

I’m constantly adding to this list, stop back again.

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